There’s something about a hauntingly sad story that gets me thinking.
I watched a self-indulgent episode of Nashville this morning (I’m a sucker for cowboy boots and Connie Britton), and the scenes of Scarlett & her good-for-nothing mama got me thinking.
It made me think of a time when things were dark for me. When I was under someone’s spell. When their words were mine and my existence was to please them. P.S. It wasn’t my parents, for the record. 🙂
The story is hard for me to think about. Not because of its drama, or its unbelievability, but because of how very typical it is. It’s why I stopped writing Becoming a couple of years ago. I had to put it down, to walk away. I didn’t want to draw attention, or create drama out of a fairly normal story. I didn’t want to hurt anyone that loved me, hurt my family.
Over the last few months, though, God has been chipping away at the pride in my heart and the fear that telling such a story would be wrong or bad or indecent somehow. He has slowly convicted me, scraping bits of my old self away, reminding me that He sees me raw everyday. He sees my struggles that have come with me, the ones that followed me from the dark place.
And as the pieces fall away, the truth is revealed and my soul is laid bare. He washes me in His Light, and y’all for the life of me, I don’t understand why. I think there are probably a lot of wonderful Christians in the world who just always wanted to know Him. They grew up going to church, and they wanted to walk with the Lord.
I grew up going to church and all the “good girl” trappings were surrounding me, and I still fell. Eventually, I came out of a place of shame and denial, and so the moment when I felt His embrace, felt His Grace? Mind blowing, life-altering, trapping-shattering.
I get all teary just thinking about it–and while my story isn’t so terrible, maybe it’s a story like yours. Maybe someone has another typical story that can relate. Typical can still be painful, and with it comes the baggage from the dark.
There’s light in the telling, in the sharing of the story. Help me be brave. Make me accountable to tell the story, no matter how small.
Let’s live in the Light today, friends.
That’s so me, sweet friend. I grew up in church and was genuinely a Christian when I fell HARD. I did many, many stupid things that hurt my family and me. I think we do a disservice to ourselves, other Christians, and especially our children, when we hide the mistakes we’ve made. Being redeemed doesn’t mean you won’t stumble (sometimes spectacularly). It means He’ll always be there to help you get back up.
I was just thinking about your “Becoming” series recently and hoping it would come back! You are such a soulful writer and I love reading how you articulate feelings and memories.
It is hard to share these things because, in a way, we want to forget…and talking/writing about them brings them fresh to the surface. I often think about God’s promise that once we are forgiven, our sins are removed as far as the east is from the west. I can’t really comprehend that, but I’m so thankful for it. So it can be daunting to remember things you want to forget too.
Just know that if/when you choose to share this community will be here identifying with you and encouraging you–you can be sure of that! Thanks for reminding me, today, that Grace is real. God is so good!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. We all have a story to tell, but I think you touched on something that hits deep to the core… Grace. We understand it to a point when it comes to salvation, but struggle with grace for living!
We have been bombarded in the church to live by a “code of conduct” or dare I say a “law mentality”. It is for freedom that Christ set us free, freedom from the law, so that we may walk in it!
Grace is God working in us, and through us, to do what we could not do on our own….so why do we keep trying to do things our self? You are absolutely right, it is life altering, mind blowing and bondage breaking! God does not ask us to try to be the “perfect Christian”, He simply says He has done it all for us, imparted the very life of Christ in us, and all we need to do is abide or walk in it!!
Law and Grace cannot co-mingle, which will we live by? A standard we can never measure up to (isn’t that the point..to lead us to salvation) or the immeasurable riches of His grace? Sorry to go on so, but I believe it is the sole reason for rebellion in our youth in the church (I am a mother of 3), it is not God they are running away from, but the Law. A perfect illustration of this is the story of two dogs. One has total freedom, and chooses to lie on the porch all day. The other is stuck in a pen, and the moment the door opens he flees. Both love their master. So it is with our children, if they know who they are in Christ, they have freedom. If they have been penned in by the Law or “performance based acceptance” they bolt as soon as they are no longer controlled by their parents! They still love God, that’s what we need to remember. And he still loves us.
Thank you again for sharing, and allowing me to share something that has changed my life after being a Christian for over 20 years! Grace! Grace for living!
Blessings,
Cindy
so very hard to open up & be vulnerable, but yet so important, for when we do this, we…encourage others, letting them know they aren’t the only wretched ones dealing w/ icky life…help our own hearts to heal by making something good out of our failures…give praise & honor to our loving & gracious Heavenly Father, for it is only through His love, forgiveness, & redeeming grace that any of us have anything good in our lives!
as you rely on God & His timing, know that we are all sinners saved by His wonderful grace!
I like to read about how God has worked mightily in the lives of His children, so I have wondered about your uncompleted story. May you find peace and real encouragement in writing your thoughts. You do not need to share every detail with the blog world. You need to share what God wants you to.
I hope you are feeing better.
I am repeatedly thankful that a blog I happened upon while looking for ideas on refinishing furniture, turned into a gift that has really spoken to me during my own “stumble and fall and find my way back again” story. So thank you. Your sharing has meant the world.
xoxo
I grew up in church and became a Christian in my early teens. I, too, fell, and fell hard. I’m in my 50s now and still struggle with “my story” and sometimes even my salvation. Your words have touched me tremendously. I wonder how God could love me when I turned my back on him in so many ways. Telling your story can and will change people lives. We all have a story. Thank you for telling yours.
BE BRAVE, sweet girl!!! We all have a closet. For some of us, when we open it, the undeserved merit of God washes over us and the word GRACE never comes out of our of mouths without first passing through our hearts first! Thank you for being REAL!
Well, I need to tell you that like many others, I feel…no, I know this was for me. A few nights ago I heard “Write your story, write your story” over and over and over in my dream. So much so, that I was still hearing it after I woke up. I got in the car and the song “Write Your Story” by Francesca Battistelli was playing. I kid? Not.
So, when I asked God “What part of my story, Lord?” He told me. And I told Him that was too much, too personal. He then told me that what he’s given me in life is worth nothing unless it’s shared.
It’s true. It’s also a feeling of pure vulnerability to a multitude of strangers.
I’ll pray for you and you pray for me, Shaunna. 🙂