Ever say “no” to something before?
Something good, I mean?
Like to cleaning your house like a crazy person for your best friend who’s coming into town? Or to the 4th birthday party of the weekend? Or to making the last gourmet dessert out of 20 you made for Christmas brunch?
I have an aversion to saying no. To passing up things I enjoy or passing up good opportunities. A.K.A. we could barely breathe all fall and spring due to opening the shop, and other blog projects, but I decided the Vintage Market must be held in May…period.
I’m a masochist, what can I say?
Case in point: we had been married for a year and a half. I had just graduated with my undergrad degree in 3 and 1/2 years because, well, you’ll see why. Anyway, I was teaching part time at a private school from 11-3, and assistant coaching two basketball teams. We also were involved in youth ministry, so every Wednesday night, I cooked for 25-ish teenagers (after both basketball practices & teaching). Early nights ended around 7 pm, late ones around 11-12 a.m., and for some reason unknown to God and man, I decided it was time to start my Master’s degree in Education.
So I started taking night classes.
And I chose one of the hardest professors at the university…
Oh. my. word.
I think it was somewhere around mid-terms when my husband was lazing in the bed on his Saturday off, and I was stuck at the library for 2 days surrounded by mountains of research that it occurred to me that this was maybe unnecessary.
Maybe I was enjoying some of it–maybe I did want the end result, but I had a career I loved, worked 12 hours a day most days, a husband I adored, a ministry to focus on–maybe it was okay if I put off getting my Masters degree.
I finished the first semester, and started the second, and Professor Happy informed me I would not be able to miss class for work (what?!), and I, in a moment of clarity, promptly dropped the class.
Finishing my Masters would have been a good thing, but there were lots of good opportunities to focus on already.
While I’m still learning how to say no to good opportunities and ideas, I can think of a handful of times I’ve turned one down…and those few times I have, I can’t describe how freeing and uplifting it was. In fact, I just had to pass up something this week, and there was a fleeting moment of guilt, but mostly relief and renewal.
Because of my goal-oriented nature, I have a million ideas regarding the blog, the shop, our online store…homeschooling, parenting, chore doing, house organizing…
And the list goes on.
But there’s time. There is time to tackle new goals and ideas, and sometimes, saying no gives us the freedom to rest in His hands, and see where they take us. Passing up some good opportunities may give us the time to enjoy the ones we already have. At the end of my days, I know the questions I’ll live with.
It will have very little to do with what career goals were checked off. It will have very little to do with the projects done, bill organizing, efficient snack systems I decide to implement. It will probably have very little to do with the kids’ schooling, too. My thoughts will be on the Eternal, and reflecting on how we lived this life for Him and with Him.
Am I the only chronic-yes-sayer out there? What about y’all? Said no to any “good things” lately to focus on the great things?
Please, Lord, tell me you have.
If not, I encourage you to give yourself permission to pass sometimes…you’ll be so glad you did.
P.S. You guys are one of things I don’t ever “pass” on, so thanks for reading and sticking around!
Thanks Shaunna, I needed this! I have a problem saying no in general but specifically if it seems like a positive for me and my goals. That being said life has been very full and I’ve been feeling quite stressed. Thanks for encouraging me to say no and give myself a break so I can focus on the important things! 🙂
Thanks, Jessica! I know exactly what you mean! I mean, really…it’s so easy to say yes to everything, and all at once, too. Good for you for recognizing the stress. Blessings to you, friend.
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shaunna
Shaunna, I always had a problem saying no. I felt that I had to say yes to everything and then 3 years ago I had to stop everything – I had debilitating migraines and was not able to say yes to anything. It really was the best thing to ever happen (not the migraines but the stopping). I’ve learned that there are actually other people who can do things, that it isn’t the end of the world if things aren’t done ‘my way’ and that people still like me – even if I can’t do what they want. Very freeing! I’m slowly starting to do things again, but only what I want to do and I know how to ask for help and not feel bad about not being able to do it all. Good for you to say no and focus on the really important things in your life.
Jennifer, I hate to see that you had such health problems, but I know what you mean…sometimes we’re forced to slow down, and what is right in front of us. Blessings to you!
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shaunna
It is so hard to say “no” especially when it’s a career opportunity! This coming from someone who closed on a house 3 weeks before her wedding, while in grad school! I was also late to my own bachelorette party last year because I said “yes” to a cousin’s first birthday party that same day…2 hours away.
I feel like I’ve been getting a bit better at saying “no” but I know it’s still a challenge. Learning to prioritize definitely helps, especially when you put things like your relationships and spiritual needs at the top of the list.
And although I used to think designated “date nights” were contrived, I’ve learned that they enable me to say “no” more easily to some things: “sorry, can’t do that night, have date night with the H” is so much easier for me to say than “umm, well I had planned to spend time with the H, but I’ll see…” Which always ends up being a “yes” in the end.
Hey Cheryl! I know what you mean about the date nights…we totally make time for them! Thanks for your comment!
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shaunna
every day. saying no to good things is starting to seem like a hobby of mine. but with my fourth baby having recently arrived, this is a hobby that was born of necessity. these babies do not need their momma driving them through crazytown!
lol…this made me laugh so hard! and yep, you’re totally on the right train of thought!
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shaunna
Well said, thank you!
Thank you, Jayne, for your comment!
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shaunna
Shauna,
You are God’s voice for me today. Thanks for this post. We’ve been in the process of deciding to move our business. Yesterday I told God to show us the truth of our path. We are saying no to something that has been good for two years. I now have opportunity to go into business with another believer. You are one of the truths I needed to hear. I’ve learned it is better to live in faith and not fear. Sometimes we are to fearful of passing something good by.
Debbi, what a wonderful thing God does in putting something in our path at the right time…your comment does the same for me, confirming that it’s okay to share struggles and the uncomfortable bits of life. thank you so much for commenting!
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shaunna
You have permission to pass here too. God and family come first and while I really enjoy following your blog. That does not mean I think you owe us posts. It means I enjoy the ones you do. I’ve made difficult decisions in my career path too (dropped out of PHD classes in the middle of the writing process) because I needed and wanted to be more present in the lives of my family . I have no regrets! Every day is a gift from God and learning to listen is a good thing. (A good reminder for myself who also is a YES person)
Thank you, Wanda! And I don’t feel that way here…I’m so thankful to write and have you guys come hang out here. And good for you for dealing with the same thing in your life…so hard, but i bet you’ll have no regrets ever!
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shaunna
Ummm…I can definitely and totally to everything you said above. Sometimes I put the pressure on myself to be able to do it all…and then when I am at my wits end, I wonder why I agreed to it all??? I usually am miserable, my kids and husband are miserable and in the end, it’s not worth it. So, now, I try to remember that horrible feeling when asked if I can take on a project, a job, a favor, whatever and decide if it really is the right thing to do. I’m still struggling with the guilt of saying no to something and feeling bad but it has been so great having a little bit more boundaries. And everyday I pray for guidance to take on the right things to do more in His Name and to be of service to others. I find that his voice is most clear to me when I come from a relaxed place rather than a frantic one, too, so it is very reaffirming to me that it is perfectly fine to not always be a yes person and to say no. 😉 Wonderful post and thanks for sharing what’s on your heart. Jesse @ Scout & Nimble
Thank you for your comment, Jesse! And yep, you got it…so easy to put that guilt on ourselves. Praying you have a peace-filled week that you enjoy!
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shaunna
Thank you for this. I promptly printed it out and taped it to my mirror (you’d think I was in college, taping something to a mirror — ha!). It’s a reminder I need. I like the definition a lot — I have a saint of a husband who gives his (unwanted) advice and then he sits back and watches me crash and burn — because he knew it was “too much” or whatever — and then, right before I hit the bottom he lifts me up and out of the pit I created and I feel so blessed and undeserving of his rescue. Sometimes I just can’t put into words why I do what I do and then posts like this come around and hit me between the eyes. FOCUS. Yes.