My baby brother is engaged.
The week before he left on his trip to Patagonia with his future bride, Sara, he called me. Talking ninety to nothing and giggling like a school girl, he told me about the ring and the plan and fretted about how in the world he was going to claim the diamond on the plane without her knowledge.
Then he caught me by surprise. He quietly said, “Well. Any advice for me?”
Clearing my throat, I replied, “About the proposal? Or marriage?”
Laughing, he said, “Both.”
My stomach tightened and tears sprung into my eyes before I could stop them. Uhm, please don’t make me answer that question.
I told him I didn’t feel very adequate to give such advice considering the outcome of my own marriage. My own newfound belief, that I fight tooth and nail, that forever is actually a grey place, and doesn’t have the defined outline of a circle after all.
I tried to play it off. Kept talking about everything but that. He asked me twice more.
I played it off still.
And as he talked, it hit me what I would tell him. I can’t speak for how to make any marriage last forever. I can’t speak from perfection. From the marriages of June Cleaver and my parents and the Pleasantville folk. But I could speak from experience. Sometimes, real clarity only comes in completion.
I teared up again (Lord help me), and said, “Buddy. Be gentle with her. Rescue her and be gentle. If you do that and make her feel like there is nothing she could ever do to make you love her any less…if you truly unconditionally love her, she’ll do anything for you.”
He laughed and made a joke, but God my insides were on fire. I understand so much more about what real love looks like now. And I’m not talking about flowers and stupid candy and dates and even parenting together.
Unconditional love just is. It acts, yes. But it is deep down in the bones, in the marrow. It can’t be shaken out. It doesn’t seep away, and it is never self-seeking. A God thing. All the way. That goes for all of our relationships, women (and the few of you men reading this). All of them.
I can’t speak from perfection. I made many mistakes. In loving. Not just in my marriage. Slowly, painfully, though, I am learning. And I will speak for those of us who aren’t so picture pretty. Who’s lives look messy and wrecked. For the ones who start over at the mid-way mark.
And I’ll find so much joy in watching my brother live out his love. Can’t wait, actually. I asked them this weekend if I could share the news with you guys, expecting a resounding no from him. To my surprise, they both smiled, kissed each other, and said “go for it.”
Exactly.
Go for it, little brother.
Congratulations to your brother and his fiancee. And congratulations to you, for having the grace and maturity to look beyond your very real emotional pain and offer meaningful advice to him (and now, to us readers). Best wishes to you.
Laura, you are growing thru the pain. I’ve been where you have been, that place where it’s easy to blame ourselves for every little crack that developed in our relationships. I swung the other way, blaming my ex for all the trouble. I finally woke up to the fact that we just weren’t ready for the kind of selfless commitment that marriage requires. We just weren’t right for each other. After shouldering that revelation, I knew there was a better plan for me down the road. That road was the bumpiest and for me at times the trashiest road I’ve gone down but once I turned that corner, the that had a sign that said “A Good Life Starts Here”, I found who I was and must be to find start my new life. I no longer mourn those times, as I have learned from them. There is a plan for you, a wonderous plan filled with love and purpose. Deep breaths, shoulders back, march on to your future! You can do it!
Considering the outcome of your own marriage? Shauna, I’m so sorry. I must have missed a post or two…?
How exciting! And how nice to have a little spark of festive hope drop right in your lap. I think you will be surprised by the warm little fire it lights in your own heart. Thanks for another beautiful, honest post.
The Other Marian
Good job Shauna.
I’m with Suzanne in the above post…considering the outcome of your own marriage? I’m so sorry also, Did I miss a post about this?
I went back and found the post where you shared that you were divorced. I’m so sorry. But I know God is with you and your children and there are so many people that love you, you will get through it. Keep smiling that precious smile.
Congratulations to your brother and your soon-to-be sister-in-law!!
S, that piece is the most profound and powerful real life words you’ve written. Through your pain you have found yet another gift inside you. Your GmA is smiling down on you. Hang on strong woman, you are a dear, wise soul.
The first comment I ever wrote you was when I first started reading your blog. It said “you had me with your smile”-today you still have me, as the tears are sliding down my cheeks. What wise words you shared with your brother. Stay strong!
I have “started over” three times. The final time is working, thank God and a wonderful caring man. He isn’t perfect, he doesn’t bring flowers and candy, but he has stood by me and taken care of me during times that I was totally unlovable. I have lied to him and done things that were terrible to him, but because of him, we worked it out and I love him infinitely more than ever. I know what unconditional love means now. There are no givens, but with two people who care (not only love) about each other and who are committed to bringing out the best in each other, the future looks brighter.
What beautiful words. And, how complicated are we, that joy and pain can reside in the same heart. Congrats for your baby brother and continued prayers as you find your new path. Love you, friend!
I just read this post and I want to say, Shaunna, I pray for continual healing in your heart. I, too, have been down the heartbreaking road you’re traveling and know the pain and absolute helplessness that you can feel when your marriage unravels before your eyes. But, here’s a message of hope and healing — this, too, shall pass, and you will face the future a stronger person and well equipped for what the future holds for you. The advice you have shared with your brother and your readers is spot on — thank you for your willingness to share something so personal. I am sure that your words will be read by many who need hope and inspiration. God bless you and your sweet children. Romans 8:28 was the verse that I held closely to my heart as I walked those difficult steps — and God truly has used my dark days for the good of others as he is and will use yours.
Several years ago our oldest son, who’d recently become engaged after a 4 year on again/off again relationship with THE most wonderful girl, said to me, “OK Mom. In 5 minutes or less, tell me about this thing called marriage.” I said “What? Are you serious?” He was. He’s in the military 😉 I said “Give me the first 2 minutes to gather my thoughts, OK?” Then I started my short 5 minute, tell your son, whom you love deeply, everything you can about what marriage means based on the last 39 years with his wonderful father. This is what I said
“OK. If you go into a marriage thinking it’s all going to be roses and sunshine, that everything will be lovey-dovey every day, you’re setting yourself up for failure right off. However IF you decide this women is “the” one for you, and IF you make a commitment to love her in bad times and good, then you’ve got a good chance to make it. Whew! Did I get it done in 5 minutes?” He said “Yep. You’ve got a minute to spare.” 🙂
While it seems like a sort of joke, for our son it wasn’t. He truly wanted something, some honest to goodness nugget, to start building his married life on. He’s a very direct sort of person and won’t take crap (nor a lack of commitment attitude from anyone), so I knew if I hit on that word ‘commitment’, he’d be listening.
So…..you might be asking, how’s their marriage today? Well, it’s great..and then it gets murky at times too. But they committed to each other. He’s seen us, his parents who’ve been married 39 years (and not all it roses and sunshine either), and his inlaws who’ve been married over 40 years with some of their own trying times, and he and his wife see what ‘commitment’ means first-hand as it refers to marriage.
Life will always throw us curve balls in our own personal lives, our married lives, our work lives, and on and on. How we deal with those challenges will say a lot.