Well, darlings, it’s been quite a while since I wrote a chapter of my life down here. July.
It seems like something always holds me back–time, distraction, projects, & growing traffic that makes me even more vulnerable. But hey, what’s life without a little risk, right?
If you haven’t read the rest of my story, you’ll be quite lost. You might want to start at the beginning. I’m writing it for my daughter. For your daughter. For us.
CHAPTER FOUR
We had a date the night after he kissed another girl.
What the heck am I doing going out with such an idiot? I am basically asking for pain and chocolate binges, but hey, why not?
Brent picked me up around 6, and despite my overwhelming desire to kick him in the shins, or possibly somewhere else, I graciously hopped in his truck & struck up a polite conversation.
I was a good girl, after all.
The night went well. We laughed easily & I found parts of myself stirring that I didn’t know existed. I felt like I might melt right into his chocolate eyes, and if I held my breath ever so faintly, I could hear his heart beat.
There was a conversation–oh, we had a conversation about the kissing. I was not to be treated like an idiot or a piece of trash or any other dim-witted cliche. Brent got that loud and clear, and while every bone in my body told me to walk away from him and never look back, I agreed to see him again.
Our days and nights together in the next few weeks flew by quickly and with little event. I think I was in his truck the first time he kissed me–and sadly, it was a mediocre kiss, filled with awkwardness & the scent of last night’s beer binge.
His lifestyle & lack of gumption offended my very being, and yet…a desperate part of me longed so badly for connection. I longed to be desired and held up–to be wished for with the same measure I hoped for love.
In my longing, I grew weak. I grew dependent.
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Brent had no dreams, really. He hunted night and day during deer season & worked on his daddy’s farm as he made time. I loved the farm, the land, and seeing him work. But somewhere in the back of my mind floated the notion, “he may never leave here. ever.”
It wasn’t the farm, really. Location had little to do with my concerns.
I loved to write, to think, to do…to dream. I happily had no idea exactly where my feet would land, but I knew it would be among a field of possibilities that extended beyond a Brundidge, Alabama, farm & drinking each night away.
These subtle fears I tucked safely away in the corners of my heart, burying any serious doubts about Brent and where he would take me.
I had no idea that as I tucked and folded those corners, little pieces of my heart were chipped and pinched, bruised and deformed.
I was trading my heart for another. For a heart made of stone-cold denial.
Our hearts need to stay soft, I now realize. They must bend and give, and beat around the ups and downs. Hearts darkened to understanding lose their flex–and ultimately, they can shatter.
to be continued…
You are beautiful…inside and out! And your words are beautiful too! Thanks for sharing….this is why I started a blog, to document our lives to our children…..
Thank you for sharing your story! I know it takes a lot of courage to dig so deep and get so personal. I appreciate it and I know many others do too. I think as women, we can all relate.
-Erin Spain
DIYOntheCheap.com
I have enjoyed reading your story. It’s scary how similar our lives have been. I also didn’t realize that we are about the same age. Thank you for sharing. It’s bringing up some old drudgeries for me, but it’s good to see how far I am from them now!
It pulled me right in, Shaunna. You have a beautiful way with words.
Goodness girl…you sure can put your feelings to print! I have just finished reading all four parts of your story and I just want to give you a big hug! What a wonderful glimpse into who you are that you are giving Ava and Grayson too.
Very proud to call you ‘friend’ and I look forward to reading more…when you are ready to share.
Janet xox
The Empty Nest
Wow! This is hitting the mark in my life! I too was bullied as a kid but I didn’t learn to be kind; I struck back. I lived with anger even when I was laughing. You are so insightful for yourself and that helps the rest of us who have buried the feelings for too long! I thank you, from the bottom of my softened heart. Keep writing; this is the gift the Lord will use for all of us.
Shaunna – thank you for writing this!! Wow … you are a great writer and this has truly struck a nerve with me. As I read this latest chapter I found myself wishing I already had the entire book and that I could share it with my daughter. I am truly enjoying reading this. Please write more soon 🙂
Thanks for sharing your story-can’t wait to hear more.
keep writing your story.
I bought a cuff a few weeks ago from an etsy store, and it is says, “Trust your story” on it.
I love it.
I’m learning to tell my story, too.
Not sure if I ask before but can you tell me where you purchased your slip covers
Thanks
Thank you for writing, Shauna. I am just not reading this story (all chapters). I do not have little girls, but boys. While they are small (1 and 3), I already see the pain and the desire to be accepted. I pray over them daily and nightly. God is good and is storing up my prayers and yours for days like you describe here.
Rachel M.
Shaunna,
Simply thank you, thank you for doing what you do and sharing it with all of us. You are beautiful inside and out. Little funny side comment. I can’t use my diy chalk paint with out hearing your accent when I paint. I have viewed your tutorials and am inspired by you. Your family is very lucky.
Debbie
Nerney Dressers
I agree with Heather! i want the rest of it NOW! 🙂 Just finished reading all 4 chapters and can’t wait to share it with my 17 yo and 13 yo twin girls. Eagerly waiting for the rest….trusting in God’s timing. Thank you for sharing your heart so tenderly with us all! Blesssings to you and yours
As we all walk through our various traumas and dramas, I hold on to the fact that if it passes to us, it passed through His love for us. God could trust you with this story because He knew you would use it to testify of His incredible and mighty healing and redemptive power in our lives.
Thank you for being brave to share it all with us. It brings healing, inspiration, and hope into all of us.
Love you, Shaunna!!