Well, I’m doing it.
I’m going to share something very private and very real with you here. I was very convicted a while back to tell my story. Not because it’s great, or I am. But because it needs to be told…I learned that last week.
For the first time, I really opened up to a group of college-age girls about insecurities and told the story of mine.
And I’m not the only one…and it hit me: it simply is time to tell the story. I’m not really sure where it’s headed. If I’ll just share it here, or want to try my hand at a real-life book…but for now, that’s not my concern.
I’m sharing it here because some of you will relate, some of you will just get a glimpse into what makes me tick, and some of you are raising daughters who have or will go through some of the same.
I have to admit it…I don’t get nervous much, don’t have real anxiety. But I do now. Knots in my stomach. If there was ever a time to leave a comment and tell me what you think, it’s today. I’m feeling kinda vulnerable. Be gentle with me.
🙂
So, without more explanation, here’s what came out of my heart and onto my Mac a couple of weeks ago…
Prologue
I want to tell you a story. A simple story, really. About a girl caught up in the world’s view of security, a searching heart.
My heart.
It began ever so long ago, in that place between innocence and desire. The place where friends are luke-warm, wishy washy, and frequently fleeing your side.
Junior High.
Sometime after I began freshman year, I realized something was off. I wasn’t happy. Wasn’t whole. I felt like the people that surrounded me were complete idiots. Attacking one person to the next for the very insecurities they possessed. And so was I.
My so-called friends. My so-called life.
Around that time, they began to see me differently, too. I didn’t quite fit the mold. Cheerleader, Pep Club, gossip. We bumped heads, and when I say bump, I think rammed might be a better word.
So, as it is with all things teenage girl, it got ugly. That year changed me forever. It led me to do things that were not me, things that still left me wanting.
Don’t worry, this story has a happy ending. An evolving ending. But it contains its share of pain, of loneliness, of struggle. And with those come the story of healing.
I write to you for myself. For my daughter.
For you. For your daughters.
And for the story of healing.
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CHAPTER ONE: Belonging
I was too tall. Out of place. It would have been weird to kiss a short boy, if any had tried to kiss me. I was too fat, or so I thought. I bought the lie that being 13 and 5’7 meant large and in charge.
Because of this, and my ever growing insecurities about my size, I sought affirmation like a drug. Looking from one friend to the next, one boy to another, I sought. And yet, it was this uphill climb I never seemed to master. I could feel struggle within my self to find comfort, belonging.
To name names would be cruel. It wasn’t totally their fault…doesn’t make them cruel now. It was only a series of careless choices. And while I believe all make fickle choices and serious mistakes when young, these mistakes…these fickle choices ignited a battle within me.
It happened on a Monday, after I had missed school for a week. The stomach flu had kept me home, kept me away from the chatter. And as silly as it sounds now, it began on a phone call from one of my friends. She wanted to talk of the other, the one who she was mad at for some childish reason or another, and my wanting took over. I probably said things I shouldn’t have, probably became what I hated. And in doing so, sealed my fate.
They blasted me with hate when I sat down at my old wooden desk that Monday morning. Called me a liar and awful, and told me they couldn’t stand to look at me. I begged Friend 1 to tell the truth, to fess up to starting up the trouble. It was pointless. They were done with me and tossed me to the side like my toddler does with banana peels.
The guys were involved. Friend 1 and 2 made sure of that. Not only were the girls hating me, but the boys berated me. Called me all kinds of names. And say what you will about sticks and stones, but it’s real. It was quite easy for me to believe what they said was true. To know I was worthless. To know that I was destined to be alone.
The hot tears swelled in my eyes, and in one gangly jog, I ran out of the room and into the smelly girls bathroom. Apparently, my sobbing was so loud the school counselor had to get involved. She promptly escorted me to her office and within moments, had brought in 1 and 2. With all the malice their teenage eyes could muster, they stared more misery into me. I was absolutely heart broken. Shocked they could be so mean.
1 proceeded to tell her side of the story to Mrs. B, and while some parts were true, she conveniently left out all the crap she had done and said. She was telling half-truths, something I’m sure many of us are good at.
2 sat still, quietly knowing she was choosing to be a part of something intrinsically wrong, but doing nothing to stop it all the same. She bowed out, and never came to my defense.
And after what seemed like a full Shakespearean monologue from 1, Mrs. B finally spoke. “It seems as though there really is no trouble, Shaunna. 1 here says she didn’t say these things to you. Are you overreacting, dear?” I thought I might throw up. I could have smacked that condescending smirk off of her face and never looked back. Even if she was my elder. 1 and 2 exchanged vicious looks and the thought they seemed to silently scream at me was, “we will make your life miserable.”
And so they did.
In the months that followed, there was something or another each day that would get them going.
“Shaunna, why are you so tall? Are you retarded or something?”
“My mom says your mom and dad are drug dealers and that’s why your daddy drives a mercedees.”
“You’re so fat….get out of our way.”
And the boys…well, they did the same. You could see struggle on a few faces, knowing that the hate they dished out daily was empty and cruel, but again, did nothing to stop the hurt. My hurt.
What they seemed to solidify within me was that I was incomplete without them. I realized I couldn’t hang out with the other kids in our small-town class of 40, because no one else even knew me. If I wasn’t cheerleader friend of 1 and 2, then who was I?
So, I ate alone. I studied alone. And while they continued to pretend to be my friends one second, they would abuse me with their words the next. It was this sick game, and I was like a mouse searching for the cheese in the maze of fulfillment. It is so clearly twisted now that I look back, but in the moment, I hated them and I hated myself.
My parents did all they could to fulfill me, to make me feel better. They were so supportive, giving me hugs and space whenever I needed it. They took me shopping a little more, helped me study, and we traveled on the weekends. They even offered to let me change schools, and over the summer, I considered it heavily.
I hated my life now. I hated being alone, feeling out of place. But running away didn’t seem right. There was something inside me that sparked a few weeks before school began my sophomore year, and I made a decision. Since it was clear that everything I had done in years past was not working out for me so well, I decided to do the opposite. I made a commitment to be kind, to give everyone the benefit even if they didn’t deserve it. To hang out with the kids I didn’t know well.
When I walked into class the first day of Sophomore year, I saw 1 and 2 in their typical corner spot. I smiled, waved really friendly, and plopped my 5’7 hind end in a desk clear across the room from them. Happily alone. It’s funny what happens when you stop letting others affect how you behave. They can’t stand it, you know. Especially if they’ve been in the wrong. My lack of action became a quick reminder to them of all the horrible things they’d done, a slideshow of their nasty attitudes and ugliness.
It was quite funny to see how quickly they flitted to my desk, asking how I was and why didn’t I come sit with them in the back. I just smiled quietly and said, “no, that’s okay, I’m good up here. Thanks, though.” I could see the utter shock on their rigid faces and it felt good. Good to know that I no longer needed them to feel anything. It was a moment of triumph for me as I sat there all smug, full of pride and assurance. It would take some time for me to realize that assurance was coming from the wrong place, a selfish one. And it would bring me back down to the mud before it was finished with me.
Other people filed into the room, and I just made sure to say hi to everyone. I didn’t try hard, but I didn’t shy away either. Within a few days, I had settled just fine into my place of hanging with new acquaintances. I had made no real friends, but I was okay with that. It felt right to depend on myself and none other. The first few weeks of school passed, and I felt very little hurt and somehow I made it through with no meltdowns or nighttime sob-fests.
During that time, I fell in love. The kind of love that happens when you’re too young. You say you understand love, you know it. But you can’t. I was thirteen, for goodness sakes. His name was M. And while he saved me from the ever present tension in my former friend circle, I couldn’t get it out of my head that he was just not it. I knew it. He knew it. We did nothing about it, staying together a year too long, giving away a million kisses that could have been saved for another. He wasn’t my first kiss, you know. That came at 12 to my first real boyfriend, B. He was insecure and clingy, and it didn’t take too much time for him to suffocate me with need I couldn’t fulfill. That’s when M came along and I felt alive. He was tender and sweet, and I did get all the goosebumps that come with young love.
I was still tall, and he was my height, which made it interesting, but not difficult to hug him, dance with him. To kiss him. I reference the kissing because it all leads somewhere. It’s part of the story. Part of the pain and part of the healing. I couldn’t know then what I do now. I should have saved those kisses for my husband. I should have saved those sweet gestures of love for Matt. I had no idea how much so until a year later.
To be continued…
Be brave sweetheart.
Love the beginning of your story Shaunna. You know I hate bullying. And you and I both know that it’s probably even worse now at that school than it was when we were there… and it will probably never ever go away. Hence the reason, we won’t be going there when Grayson is ready for school.
I’m leaning towards home-schooling and all that it has to offer our family.
Thanks, Lauren! Means the world you commented. I know what you mean. BIG decisions. We need to get together soon!
🙂
shaunna
Oh MAN. Shaunna, you’re such a great writer! I’m dying to know the next installment! I wanna strangle 1 and 2 right now! 🙂 I’m sorry you went through that, but it seems as though things have worked out for you! I’ll be back to read more.
Well, thank you, girl. It’s been a messy road, and it gets messier. But that’s okay. Works out just fine.
xoxo
shaunna
I love you friend.
Wish I could have been in your class back then. I went through something very similar and still have nightmares about it to this day.
Thank you for sharing this with us…looking forward to reading more and giving you a HUGE HUG the next time I see you!
Well, I love you, too. It really is crazy to think about some of our similar stuff…can’t wait to give you a huge hug, too!
xo
shaunna
Loving your honesty and transparency..I’m all ears hunny 🙂
I’ll be back for Chapter two… xo
Blessings!!
Much love,
Deborah xoxo
Thank you, Deborah!
🙂
You really are a brilliant writer. Love your story so far! I am inspired by your brave heart and willingness to open up and be so real. Best of luck with the story, can’t wait to read more.
Thanks so very much Anna!
🙂
Oh, you have me hanging here. I hope the next chapter comes soon. You are such a good writer. I am enjoying your story.
Susan
Thanks, Susan! Already working on it…
😉
It hurts to read your hurt. You are a beautiful writer and I look forward to reading the rest of your story, because I know it has a grace-filled to-be-continued. 🙂
What a sweet thing to say, Sheila. Thank you so much!
Hi there! I’m new to your blog and must say that I love your work! You are a very gifted writer. It takes courage to reveal painful memories, especially those experienced at such a tender age. I think many of us can relate to this and your ability to articulate the pain and frustration of it all will do good for so many others. I look forward to chapter 2!
Ashley
Thank you, Ashley.
🙂
I am so glad that you are writing this for your daughter. Junior high and high school are parts of my life that someone could not pay me enough to repeat. And I didn’t experience the level of bullying that you did. That said, I was not a bully myself. And I know some of your pain.We’re all insecure at that age. And it’s good to see things from a different perspective. Even if its your Mom’s.
Thank you Paulette. I know what you mean…that’s what I’m hoping for.
🙂
Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable with us. It breaks my heart how mean kids can be to each other and it’s even worse when a grown up should step in but doesn’t. The other thing that struck me in your story is the mean girls… they were filled with fear. Fear brings out the ugliest emotions in people.
I know, Lisa. There are parts that will be harder to share, but I think it’s worth sharing, so I’ll take being a little uncomfortable to do so.
🙂
That story could have been written by me. I completely identify with every word of it except that I didn’t find a boyfriend my height until closer to college. Unfortunately, we are unable to protect our kids from the general cattiness of girls, but for me it helped to see it at that age rather than being blindsided by it in later years when I really would have thought I was beyond help. 🙂
Take care and keep up your fantastic writing. I look forward to sharing it with my daughters.
Thank you, Lynn! I’ll do my best for your daughters and mine.
😉
I think most of us girls went through very tough middle and high school years. I have always been amazed at your strength to stand firm and do what is right. It sounds like this story is what has brought you to be the amazing Christian woman you are today. I love you Shuanna! I sure do with I was around you more to be encouraged by the way you live your life.
Thanks, friend! And you’re too sweet and generous with your words. Pretty humbling.
🙂
Hey Shaunna,
What an awful experience! Perhaps this experience is why you are so awesome? Thanks for getting the courage to use your blog as a way to reach out to others. You are an amazing chickadee, not just in your writing ability, but in your beautiful taste, sensitivity, and “zest”, ha. Sharing this story here reminds us all that there are tender, real women behind every one of these creative blogs we surf around on. Looking forward to it’s continuation.
Thank you Cara! That’s a very, very kind thing to say.
🙂
Wow, your writing has that wonderful rhythm and flow of a honest but painful memory, the kind we churn over now and again, but then stuff down and shut out. Thank you for sharing and putting to words the world of Jr. High girls, in a way that lets them know they are not really alone. I will be sharing this with my soon to be Jr. High daughter.
Thank you, Kimberly. It is hard, but I do so in hopes you can share it with her.
🙂
Oh, this brings back memories of junior high – I never did understand the need for girls to be so mean at that age. I went through something similar – I’m sure it’s not uncommon, but oh-so-difficult at the time. You write beautifully, Shaunna. I can’t wait to hear the happy ending.
Kacey
Thank you, Kacey. Me either…but you’re right; it’s not uncommon. Thanks for being so sweet.
🙂
I am so glad you have told us it ends OK….bullying is so awful (((hugs)). Kudos to you for sharing…you will help many I am sure who deal with this with their kids daily.
Thanks so much Sue!
🙂
so encouraged by your bravery and honesty … and how He will use your story for His glory … thanks for being obedient to share! pray you feel His pleasure as you continue … 🙂
Thank you, Andrea…what a beautiful prayer for me to meditate on.
🙂
I know this must have taken a whole lot of courage to write, but I’m so glad you did. Its funny how I would have guessed that your high school years were nothing short of perfect as being 5’7 is something I have always dreamed of! Being 5’0 I have heard my fair share of names and jokes and never thought that someone tall would be having such similar insecurities. I guess these things are what make your blog title so true, we are all “perfectly imperfect.” You are an amazing writer and I can’t wait to read the happy ending! So glad we have a God who loves us no matter what 🙂
It did, Mallory…just as I know you and everyone else have that same courage to deal with this thing called life. Thank you for such a kind comment.
🙂
Found your blog, bought your ebook, and feel so blessed to read your story. Thank you for sharing…looking forward to the next chapter.
Thank you Sharon!!
🙂
girls are so mean- i dread emmy dealing with it, but i know she will. we all do. i shared my most private and scary story last year on the blog, because i was compelled to. but it all makes us who we are now. yes, ugly things have happened to you and to me, but we are who we are because of it- strong, independent women, and we are now able to look in the mirrors and love ourselves for who we are. that makes us great role models for our kids, i think. looking forward to the rest.
I know, girl. The story gets worse, I’m afraid, but you are totally right…thank you for being my friend.
🙂
Shaunna, you’ve touched my heart so so deeply. I’m in tears because I’ve struggled with insecurities all of my life. Thank you for being brave. For sharing your story. Like Layla said, I wish I had been in your class then. We would have been best of friends. 🙂 xoxoxo
I know Myra!!! You are so very precious to me and I hardly get to spend any time with you…hoping so desperately we can see you Wednesday.
🙂
xoxo
shaunna
I had to comment on you story. It really choked me up, because I too had all those insecurities growing up. My insecurities stemmed from being burned very badly when I was 3 maybe 4 years old. I never quite looked like everyone else. I was burned over most of my body except what I like to call “the important parts”. But I was severely burned on my face and legs, so you can imagine how cruel kids can be. You probably would not be able to tell on my face if you look at me now. 🙂 I have kind of grown into my scars. I just wanted to say thank you for the story. It really hit home.
Thank you for your transparency, Shannon. It means the world to me to meet people like you tell YOUR stories. I wish we could sit down over a cup of coffee and talk it all out. Sending love your way…
shaunna
Who knows……………….that may happen one day. 🙂 Thank you!
You’re so brave in telling your story – the impact of that on others’ lives you may never know. Just know you’re doing a brave thing! (Also, you’re a great writer – I’m so inthralled and awaiting the next installment!)
Thank you for your vulnerability. I’m confident, like all stories, good or bad, there is reason and purpose although sometimes we struggle to understand. Just you sharing a bit of your story will glorify God and impact others. Praying for your continued transparency.
I feel and hear your story. I can relate to the being picked on and feeling out of place. I was 5’9″ and 99lbs in High School and was bullied by a group of girls for no reason that I could tell. I can’t wait to hear the rest of your story, and know that you have a lot of support here and won’t be judged, and many of us can relate to your story and thanks for being so brave as to tell it. You are beautiful inside and out and thank you for sharing you story with us.
I’ve always said that I will be a successful parent if I can raise my daughter (and son for that matter)with more self-confidence than I had. I know it will be tough, but hopefully we can do it if we are honest with them about things like your story. Looking forward to hearing the rest.
This is beautiful. You are inspiring for someone like me who knows she needs to share her story… someday I will.
Thankfully, I was never bullied like that, but I also didn’t fit in and spent a lot of time alone. Lots of acquaintances and no real friends. I woke up with boobs in 4th grade. By 6th grade I was 5’7″, 120 pounds and in a C cup aka Amazon. Thank you for sharing your story. You never know who you will inspire by sharing.
I’m so glad to see you sharing your story. I am a solid believer that we all have a story to tell. And that God does everything for his glory, and telling others our stories is what shows His glory off. I started telling my story recently to, and it’s a whole other ballgame then just writing a blog about the stuff you like. I feel like I am opening up my heart for others to see, all the deep and dark corners of. Which is what you are doing too. You’ll never know exactly how many people you will inspire through this!
beautiful. Can’t wait to read the rest!! 🙂
So sorry for the pain you endured…looking forward to the rest of the story. Thanks for sharing!
My husband and I were just talking with our 10 year old about saving kisses for her husband, as you mentioned. It’s so contra-our culture so it will be meaningful to share your story with her. As parents we definitely have an influence on her but it’s nice to have other positive influences to come along side her. Thank you for that! God bless you!
Thank you for sharing. We are having these same issues with our 14 year old daughter. The friend and school situation is just horrible. We are trying to sell our house so we can move. As parents we are trying to do everything we can. I look forward to reading more.
Shaunna,
I love how you incorporate your honest story and vulnerable thoughts into your blog — A blog designed to primarily be about your lovely projects. You have, however, revealed yourself to be the primary lovely project. I’m eager to hear more of this story and to see how you become redeemed…how you become perfectly imperfect. While I don’t relate to some of the specific details of your story, I relate to developing my struggle with insecurities during that same time in my life. While I have yet to overcome all of my insecurities, I am learning to trust the Overcomer, Himself, on a daily basis.
Thank you for your honest. Keep being real.
What a gripping story. Please continue to write this ‘book’ for all the girls out there who can relate. You are a talented writer 🙂
Its a beautiful beginning and while I can hear the hurt in your writing, I can already see that more beautiful things are to come. No, my friend, you are not alone and while that does not diminish the hurt you endured, I like to think that it carved you into the talented, loving and creative person you are today. Life’s hurt can be a crutch or a stepping stone, and I’m glad to see you are using yours to create something wonderful.
Shaunna,
Thanks so much for telling the beginning of your story. I can’t wait to hear about the rest. I know how it turns out, but all the stuff in the middle is truly what makes us who we are. You are an incredible person and I just wish more than anything I would have gotten to know you better during college. I love you and am so thankful that I can keep up with you now through your blog! Waiting anxiously for chapter 2. 🙂
Woman, you got me, I am rivoted. You write very well and I want to hear what comes next. Thanks for opening up your heart and sharing. I dont have the courage to tell my story like this, not yet. Maybe some of your strength will rub off on me.
If only we had the wisdom then, that we have now—Thank you for your story. Keep up the good work!
Can I just hug you right now? They say what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger!
So wonderful to be honest, it is hard enough to be honest with ourself but to use our life to help another is a gift…We are all on a journey, our past is what gives us the wisdom for today, who knows who’s life you will change, even if it’s just one…what a gift you are giving…blessings to you…Julie
lifeatfirelakecamp.com
THANK YOU! I really needed this today! This is the worst time of my life and your story makes me think of a good future.
Wow, your story really gripped me. I went through similar experiences, so similar in fact that at times it felt like you were writing about me! I’m really interested to hear the rest of your story, and how you have dealt with your past. I still struggle to this day, but I’m so thankful for the way God has worked in my life and brought me to a better place! Again, thanks so much for being open and honest. I wish more people would do that, we all have struggles and you never know who may need to hear your story!
Hi Shaunna, I’ve been ‘stalking’ your blog for a few months now, love your work, but have never commented. Thank you for sharing your story!! I think most of us went through some sort of teenage drama and definitely felt insecure. Although I think back then we didn’t know we were insecure, we just wanted to fit in. My stepdaughter is in 7th grade and I worry about her sometimes. She’s a good kid, but you just never know how life will go. She’s always been very thin and now that puberty is looming with all the changes it’ll do to her body, I wonder how she’ll handle it. If she starts putting on weight and isn’t rail thin, will she ‘do’ something about it. Anyway, again, thanks for sharing. I’m going to have her read your story as it develops. Please continue and know that you are NOT being judged! We’ve all been there one way or another!!
~Catie
I hope this first chapter to your healing process helps others. It is so easy for the hate to creep into your life, on it’s own or through a channel from others. I refer to these people who hate, growl and complain about everything and everyone, “toxic”……….the best lesson one can learn here is to not let it get in your head. It’s not always easy but it can be done. And when you do, life’s a much happier place. One of the best lessons I plan for my grand babies is to learn to be kind, do for others, and not to let the bad stuff get inside……..hugs to you dear, big hugs 🙂
As someone who also when down a messy road (that started with a boy named M), thank you and you got this. It is hard! A friend of mine once told me I should write a book. Other young girls deserve to know and try to understand what is at the end of the awful teenage road; love and trust and faith in your husband.
I look forward to more!
Funny how years later you run into those people and realize through the great turn of time YOU are now the smart, generous and giving one…..and THEY tell YOU how they admire YOU! Those of us that were “nobody’s” are now professor’s and teacher’s and doctor’s and (egads!) in the BEAUTY industry! Hugs to you for sharing…thank you for opening your heart!
Can’t wait to read more. You are a very strong person to share your heart. God bless you for this.
You are so brave for sharing and I admire that. So many women I know, myself included, went down this road in our younger years. If only we knew then what we know now. If only we listened to the older women in our lives telling us to wait. If only we fell back on God’s grace and unconditional love for us right when we fell face first into the mud, rather than spending years in shame. At the age of 22, after years of poor choices, trying in vain to feel better about myself and my past, God finally got through to me and I have never been the same. He made me a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17). And He has shown me how important it is to share with others my own story, that they might avoid my mistakes, that they might seek fulfillment in Him and not in things of this world. Thank you for sharing, Shaunna!
Can’t wait to read the continuation… new follower here!
Wow. Wonderful that you are sharing this. You are a great writer and it shows that you are truly a great person. I can’t wait to read more…
As a former school counselor for 7 yrs, your story got my cheeks all hot! I canNOT believe how crappily that woman handled your situation. Actually, I can. I had a similar school counselor experience when I was in jr. high, but it so saddens me to hear how adults in such powerful positions completely blow it. Social aggression is so ugly :(. Thanks for having the courage to share your story girl. I’m looking forward to hearing the rest of your testimony!
Your writing is beautiful and insightful. I am so sorry you had to go through those tough times. As a mother, I suffered along with my daughter as she experienced the trials of Junior High and High school. It was more painful than experiencing it myself. Hopefully your writing will help others to not only survive the heart breaking teenage years, but gather strength from them. I am looking forward to the rest of your story. Thank you for sharing your gift for writing with us.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I look forward to reading the rest of it and hearing all about your happy ending! ((hugs))
Hey my sweet Shaunna! Although Ive heard your stories in our late-night giggle/cry-fests in our dorm room so very long ago. I LOVE this! I am a terrible blog follower but I promise to do better & support you through this scary time of “letting it all hang out” 😉 for the betterment of others. Love you loads!!! See you soon I hope! -Ash
I relate so much to your story. I am 5’11 and always dealt with being the “tall one”. I remember being so happy on the dreaded picture day in the 7th grade because there was finally a boy taller than me to be last in line! I felt so many of the same feelings. Thanks for sharing.
Oh Shaunna….how I feel for you and that pain. You could’ve been writing my EXACT story of my freshman year. I was a freshman at a big city school after moving from a small town when my parents got a divorce. I made friends with the super popular girls on the first day of school and they were awesome for a few months. Until one of them decided for whatever reason that they didn’t like me. And then I was their pray for the rest of the year. I too was mean, and hurtful to others as a way to “fit in” to what I was desperate for…their approval! It doesn’t feel good to look back and relive that pain and helplessness that you felt, and it doesn’t feel good knowing how much hurt you caused others as a result of your insecurities. I am so glad you shared this story because its by God’s grace that we all survived High School in one piece! 🙂 Thanks so much friend!
This is beautiful, and you are so brave to share this story with all of us. I cannot wait to read more…Some people do not possess the strength you have to even share this story, Kudos 🙂
Wow! God is going to use you mightily! I’ll be praying for you as you continue sharing your story. Taste and see that the Lord is good! Psalm 34:8
oh wow… sounds all too familiar.. I totally wanted to cry with you as I remembered middle schoold years and the hurt and early high school years. Girls are mean!
you are very brave to be sharing this… and I cant wait for more!
You are an amazing writer and you are leaving me wanting more! Sorry to hear your story and wish it wasn’t a common problem. As a mother of teenagers, both girls and boys, I know your pain. Would you have thought then that you would be a strong amazing woman one day? Love your blog and story…thank you.
Can’t wait for the next chapter.
Thank you for being brave enough to relive the pain that truely never goes away.
Thanks for sharing your story. I know it takes courage to do so, and you are strong. It breaks my heart that so many people go through similar situations. I think you can be a great example for others in how to learn and heal with time. Life experiences define us – in a good way or in a bad way. I’m hooked on hearing the rest of the story.
Man, kids can be so cruel. I don’t miss my teenage years at all. They were so hard and girls can be so fickle and mean. I had my share of similar issues and it brings back so many memories to read your story.
My husband teaches 6th grade and I think these issues are getting even worse today then they were when we were in school. It makes me very nervous for my 18 month old son.
Can’t wait to read part 2! 🙂
I think so many girls go through a similar thing, and yet it feels so uniquely terrible and unending. I know I’m so happy to be far beyond that phase of life.
You are a remarkable writer. Waiting anxiously for the next “chapter”! I would not go back to those years for ANYthing. I grew up in an area that you started to school with the same kids you graduated with. Very few “new” kids ever moved in. I remember vividly a girl moving in in the 4th grade. She was so shy and everyone(including myself) laughed and made fun of her. I remember her sitting at her desk hanging her head and quietly wiping her tears and her nose. I am 58 years old and to this day this still haunts me. I can NOT believe I participated in something like that. Thank you for sharing.
Oh my goodness, I was that tall uncomfortable girl too! I was referred to the “big girl” by the boys. Even though I wasn’t overweight, the word “big” meant that to me. I had a group that I was with constantly yet I still felt like I didn’t fit in. I was never allowed to feel good about myself and was bullied by one girl in particular but yet spent all my time with her. She’s miserable now I hear. Unfortunately being surrounded by all these no-hopers is the reason I wagged most of high school. But I’ve done well for myself and from the looks of your blog you have too. I can’t wait to read Part 2! You write so well. Now I’m hooked 🙂
Megs x
In life God doesn’t give you the people you want. He gives you the people you need that help to ultimately create who you are and who you become. The hurtful things you experienced seem so unfair. I hope you feel some comfort in knowing that the obstacles you experienced helped you to realize your potential and become the happy, successful person you are today.
I only recently discovered your blog and have enjoyed seeing your furniture restoration projects. I wish you all the best. – Suzi, Spectrum Organizing
I’m so proud of you! I was that girl, only I was too insecure to stand up to anyone. The torment was daily until I graduated, left that small town and never looked back! Thank you for sharing part one of your story, I wished I would have had your courage. You are awesome!
You did it. You managed to capture what those years were truly like. Kudos to you. As a friend and former classmate of yours, I know the twists and turns that are to follow. Somehow, you have managed to craft a beautiful story from an ugly experience-that proves that you have an incredible gift with the pen, err keyboard. 🙂
BRING ON CHAPTERS 2 & 3 & 4 & 5….. 🙂
This story could very well be the lament of all 13 year old girls, including me, who struggled to fit in and to be accepted for who they were or for who they were becoming. It brought me back to those days when cruelty seemed to be the norm among classmates. If you showed even the slightest weakness, kids were merciless. I am thankful to you for sharing your story, and I look forward to the next chapter in your journey.
Wow, it is really brave of you to share this with everyone. I’m reminded of some similar experiences of my own. I can’t wait to read more.
Bekah
Shaunna, I’m so grateful that you are choosing to share your story, and that you are brave enough to do so! I look forward to reading the next installment.
Shaunna, I am so loving your writing and can’t wait for what is to come. For me with an 18 year old daughter I think I would love to sit down with your mom so maybe she can give me some advice. She and your dad did a great job raising you. You have turned out to be a wonderful christian, wife and mother. Best wishes! Connie
Very strong of you to tell of such emotion and hurt. I too experienced somthing of this nature and it was horrible. I did not really like high school and I would never in a million years want to go back and relive it like some people, but I would never wish to go back and change anything either because it made me the strong person I am today. I hope you live with no regrets.
thank you. 🙂
Hey friend, thanks so much for sharing your story. I am looking forward to chapter 2:)
Christine
Greatoakcircle.com
Thank you for taking us through your life experience. Sharing our hurts and the lessons learned through them is what we are called to do. While we are in the midst of such difficult and dark times, we lose sight of a lot, we think there is no way out. You sharing shows us there is a way, there’s always hope. Even with the bad things that happen and the consequence that come from decisions we made ourselves, the point of acknowledgement where you can say, “this is why I had to go through that” – makes everything we went through worth something, because your words will heal another! Love, Shalon
such a wonderful thing to do for yourself and others. I have a feeling I know where your story is going because I have been there. Hopefully the more people talk about it, the less it will happen. Be strong!
Your story is so familiar. I am looking forward to reading every word. I only became able to tell my story a few years back – one filled with major regret and pain. But I did it for the freedom and forgiveness that comes with telling a story and I did it for my girls as well. Keep going and know that God is smiling as you share your story. He knew it would be yours to own and share for a purpose. It is you and you are his treasure. Thanks for sharing, Shaunna!
New here, but I love your work. I get the feeling that your story will break my heart. I have two young girls that will be reaching this tender age in a few short years and I struggle with how to help them navigate it. I was never bullied nor did I bully, but I knew it happened. At that age it is so much easier to turn a deaf ear and blind eye than actually become engaged. You don’t want all that MEAN turned on you. I hope to teach them not to be 1 & 2, but to be better than me. Reach out and help. Let their peers know they are not alone. Can’t wait to hear the rest of the story.
BRAVO Shawna!!
I rarely post comments to blogs and I’m an avid reader of blogs but never take the time to comment. However I felt the need here. You are a great writer who writes from the heart. I have a daughter who’s still a toddler, but they do grow up fast! Looking forward to reading more!
Cheers!
First, thank you for sharing your story with us. It was beautifully written and has certainly touched my heart! It can’t be easy to share and describe some of the heartache you went through. I can totally identify since I went through a similar situation. Like everyone else I look forward to reading more! 🙂
Shauna, I am a fairly new reader here so I’m not sure what you’re doing….is it your story, a novel…but it does not matter……I see my younger life in your words and as it did so many years ago when I first confronted the pain of those days and realized what it had done to and for me….I ache in my heart so deeply for that young girl and hearing that story from someone else who came through that and is whole is a balm to that heart. It helps me to go through that experience again, if in a much milder sense. Thank you for that. Be sure that others share your pain and be brave and get it in the open to help others, be it your children or strangers, as it will help you. You may not forgive or forget but your heart will sprout wings when you’re finished. Love you and share your pain, VBg
GIRL. Oh my goodness, you are such a great writer. You definitely should make this a real life book. I was on the edge of my seat and totally envisioning everything happening, which by the way, I wish I could smack those girls! 🙂 I think I know where this story might be heading, and if I’m right, I think many will relate. Can’t wait for the next chapter!!
Your words took me back, way back to all those same feelings. I too had a similar experience with “friends” at a young age. To this day I still don’t understand where or how they learned to be so cruel. Thank you for sharing your story. I enjoyed reading it and didn’t want it to end. Hopefully you will continue to share more.
so glad you are telling your story – cant wait to read part 2. And isnt it amazing how life works itself out…
That is so searingly honest. Thank you for sharing it. And I’m so glad it has a good ending.
Thank you for writing this. I dread the heartbreak that my kids will likely face when they are older. Kids can be so cruel. You are a fabulous writer and I am looking forward to reading the rest of your story.
hello Shauna, you are SO brave for sharing your story. i don’t know where it leads but you are a lovely woman now and sometimes all that we go through takes us to the place where we belong. high school was not easy for me either for the first two years. so much so i ended up leaving one school because i got picked on so badly. i’m sorry that you went through all this. take care, susan p.s. you write beautifully!
You are a beautiful person!! I’m sure the only reason 1 & 2 treated you that way is because they were so jealous of YOU! Kids are so mean sometimes. I’m so glad you were done with them, I mean a person can only take so much and you handled it so well! I’ve never met you but feel like I know you! Can’t wait to read the rest, writing is great therapy 😉 Take good care of YOU… and remember… Karma is a b*tch! 😀
My niece is going through something similar, it’s heartbreaking, reading this about you and thinking of her. I am glad that you’re writing about it. Thanks, Debbie
Oh Sweet Shawna, I think most of us share more parts of this story than you’d think. I used to beat myself up over some of the dumb decisions I made and how I let things influence me. It took many years and A LOT of Jesus, but now I just feel so sorry for that teenage Lou. I just wish I could give her a big hug and tell her that she’s worth so much more than she thinks she is. All the horrible that happened made you and me into the people we are today. You are the kind of wife and mother you are now BECAUSE of all those things. You’d be a different person maybe with a different husband and children if you changed one thing. I know now that I’m going to use my experiences to help my 2 daughters. I want them to be cloaked so firmly in Jesus’s love, so that they are better armed to deal with the teenage crap. I’ve been telling my story on my blog and had to take a little break. It gets to be too much sometimes, but there’s something so freeing in THE TRUTH. God bless you as you continue to go though this….I don’t even know you, but I just love you. My heart felt like you were a kindred spirit as I started reading your story. We are all here for you as you continue to tell the story of you.
love and hugs.
You have a gift for writing. Hurt and pain seems to be the human condition. We all have a story–though the details might be different. Thanks for sharing your story and helping us deal with life’s struggles. You are an encouragement. Bless you.
Shaunna,
Your words, your story, your boldness are exactly what girls (both young and old) need to hear today. We all need to know that it wasn’t just us. (Doesn’t matter how long ago or how recently). I have always been of the opinion that trails in our lives are not just for us – those building, teaching and strengthening exercises for which the Lord uses them – but for more. They are to be shared and used to help others – the rebuilding from the rubble, the beauty from the ashes. The things that were meant for bad that the Lord uses for good. The “all” in the “all things work together for good…” His blessings, inspiration, grace and above all PEACE to you as you step outside of your comfort zone to be used by Him. I look forward to the continuation. (And for once, am thrilled to know that the story – though not finished yet – ends up in such a wonderful place!)
For a little inspiration and encouragement – take a look at the book “One Thousand Gifts” http://onethousandgifts.com/ and http://www.aholyexperience.com/
Thank you for sharing your story Shawna, sometimes letting it all out makes a wound heal better. I have a 13 year old daughter who is in middle school, and oh my the drama that I hear. I sure don’t remember it being so bad when I was in school. (I’m sure it was in it’s own way). I will be waiting by to read your story, I am so Happy to know, it will have a good ending. Have a great weekend.
Oh Shaunna–my junior high and high school years were a horror. I’ll admit that I was messed up; with an alcoholic mother and a father with borderline personality disorder, how could I not be? But the other kids were unbearably cruel. I stopped sleeping much when I was about 12 and suffered insomnia until I was 40, diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and started on Soma. Now I sleep all night, but I’m still depressed. I’ve had a ton of therapy and am still messed up! LOL I have precious few friends from high school (I’m 62 now). I prefer not to remember much, and blessedly, I don’t. I’m a loner, even now, and find it almost impossible to let anyone in or trust anyone. Some things you just don’t get over, I guess. You seem to have recovered very nicely, and I’m pleased for you.
Gail D.
Good job, dear. Beautifully written. The honesty and truth are priceless as they give you the power.
Love you!
Last week at church, Father Murphy was talking about how sometimes, you need to just be still and listen for what it is that God wants from you and for you. in praying, I find that we often are praying for something we want or think we need. But if you just sit still, look and listen he speaks to us in many ways. When I logged onto your site today and read this story, I knew that he was speaking to me. I remember those days you described and it’s like a hot knife to the throat. Bring those tears right to the surface. My daughter is 11 yrs old in middle school. By the grace of God, she is bright, beautiful and innocent. You may think, well right, she’s 11, she should be innocent. But the topics we are forced to discuss with her because of the cruelty of other girls, breaks my heart. Last night while i was cooking dinner for the family, out of the clear blue she asked me what a ‘ho” was..good thing my back was to her as I know my face dropped! I hated saying the words to her, but the fear of her not knowing and being blind sided is even worse. She said, “someone asked me today if i was bi”. I asked her how she answered them, and she said, “i told them that i didn’t know”. Again, i was put in the position to say things to my sweet little Gracie that were unbearable. These children should not have to hear about these “adult issues”. Problems such as what you experienced are still there and amplified 100 times over. I work in the schools, I see it. We are at a very respectful school. Educated parents etc..but it’s every where. Thanks for sharing your story with all of us, as it reminds us to be sensitive to our children today. They are carring a heavy load and walking a path that should not be walked alone. Instilling in them the love you and God have for them will help get them to where they need to be in adulthood emotionally and physically. I can’t wait to read the rest, and I know it has a happy ending! Look at you, you are amazing! Your journay made you who you are today.oXOX mARY
SORRY, LONG WINDED AND I ENTERED IT TWICE!!
Am fairly new to your blog. Reading this as I’m sipping my morning coffee and your words have brought tears to my eyes, realizing that even as adults, we sometimes say ugly things to friends around us.
Thank you for being courageous enough to start sharing your story.
Thanks for sharing, you have brought me to tears! Girls are so mean and viscous to each other for no reason. Unfortunately it is starting even younger now. I have a 10 year old & we are already going through some of this. Thanks for telling your story!
Bravo, you are a writer!!
I hung on every word and could relate to it as well. I think you should move forward with it and get it published. It will touch many young girl’s lives.
Junior high years are ROUGH! and I hate the saying “sticks and stones”. Words can speak either life or death. I just want you to know that as a reader I want to encourage you to share the rest of your story. I’m excited to read more!
It’s amazing how the past when we were young and silly can leave such scars on our lives. Although I never did the things I think you’re leading up to with your story, I know that the insecurities I had when I was young is something I’ve had to fight now that I’m older.
Kids can be so vicious – but many times it’s what they see in their own home. They themselves are insecure and unhappy and from their own misery make others miserable. I am so thankful for the opportunity to homeschool so that my children can grow in a whole different kind of atmosphere than what they’d experience in the school system.
Ah my sweet friend, I would never have guessed it. Don’t we always assume others have dreamy pasts while we hold our messes inside? I was bullied very badly in college. I was the only one on my freshman hall that wasn’t a devout Baptist (Baylor University). I was funky and different and the girls did terrible, terrible things to me. I was forever changed by that. My poor parents watched me go from a bubbly, cheerful girl into a sullen, depressed young woman. I didn’t realize it was bullying until years later. The Lord has healed many of those wounds, but some of the insecurities are still there, deep below the surface.
From your hints, I’m thinking my story and yours took different paths from here. Boys did not become part of my future. I went into hiding. I gained weight. I drank and hid from the world.
Thank God for His love and mercy. He lifted me out of the pit and started me on a new and brighter path. I am looking forward to the rest of your story if only to know you better. All my love and prayers go out to you as you prepare to share. I love you my friend. I am grateful for you. Lisa~
You are a sweet brave soul – pouring your heart out over such an obviously painful time. It sounds like many of us share some portions of your pain – I wasn’t bullied quite the same way, but have spent many of my 51 years trying to fit in and find out where I belong. “Belonging” seems to be the key word – I never felt that I belonged anywhere, and that’s a lonely feeling. I made some very poor choices, believing that people (men) could make me feel that I belonged. I still fight that feeling, but I am slowly coming to accept that the feeling of belonging doesn’t come from others. I’m glad to know ahead of time that your story has a happier ending, because I could feel those hot tears well up in me while reading your story, be brave and thank you for sharing yourself. As CS Lewis is quoted, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” You have many friends 🙂
Patty
I’m fairly new to your blog and absolutely love it! Your story is so well written and hits so close to home. We think, for the most part, that only girls go through this. Boys have a tendency to argue over something and are best buddies again the next day. However, my 14 year old son was suddenly ditched by this three best friends over some inconsequential issue and then a fourth boy moved into his “place”. This fourth boy taunted my son on a daily basis and even used some minor physical actions to “highlight” his meaning. My son dreaded going to school and, one day, came to me and said he never wanted to go to school again. My heart broke in two but I explained that I couldn’t just not send him to school. Going to the teacher was fruitless, as he said boys will be boys and he couldn’t force them all to be friends. He didn’t get it at all! Finally, the situation was so bad that we had to get the police involved. The school authorities suddenly realized the seriousness of the matter, but a lot of damage had already been done. My son is in grade nine now, in a new school, with some of the same boys, but has made some wonderful new friends and is healing from his miserable year. Thanks for telling your story.
Mary
Thank you for sharing your story, Shaunna! I can only imagine the hearts that it will touch. I have a very similar “friendship” story to yours. I cannot even begin to tell you how alone I was in middle school.
The boy part…um no. I was scared to death of boys! 🙂 Couldn’t hardly even talk to them.
I think it is wonderful that you are sharing your story because it does have a beautiful ending. People need to see the way God can restore our lives.
God bless you!
xoxo
Traci
I had a very similar experience…safe to say that, while painful beyond what’s fair, it builds character. Keep writing, dear!
Shaunna,
Unfortunately, bullying is everywhere and has been going on forever. It is terrible experience for child to go through and it affects their entire life. I was just talking to a friend today whose son was getting physically and mentally abused from schoolmates because he is smaller than the kids his age.
These horrible experiences effects their very being and some children are strong enough to get through them and it will hopefully make them a stronger person. Sadly, some turn to more destructive alternatives. I also had experiences where I felt I didn’t fit in and feeling the need to be a part of a popular group. Like you, I dealt with those situations like I didn’t need them and I was “cool” with out them. I also learned that my past experiences will have to stay in my past and they have no place here in my present. I am looking forward to the rest of your story and I am glad that it has a happy ending!
Regards,
Sherry
Thanks for sharing, takes a lot to share! xo*S
This was my first time to stumble upon your blog. I will be back for the rest of the story… I can almost imagine where it’s going because so far it sounds like you went to my high-school and had my same two friends! Press on fellow traveler, I will be back for more!
Ondrea
This has encouraged me greatly. I have a one year old daughter and have been thinking a lot about what it will be like for her to grow up into a woman. I believe God has given me something to write as well about being a girl and a woman of integrity. This really confirmed it for me. Thanks for being so real!
Well…if they could see you now!! Hold your head high and be proud of who you are and what you have become. Thank the Good Lord that you have wonderful parents and that you can help guide your daughter through the tough times in her life. You have an insight into what she may go through. I would like to share with you the BEST advise that was ever given to me. My sweet Grandma gave me this advise when I was going through some tough teenage years…”Don’t ask the Good Lord to guide your footsteps if you’re not willing to move your feet.” Looks to me like your feet are moving!! Can’t wait to read the rest of your story…
I’m so glad you are writing your story. It’s too bad that so many girls are unsupportive of their friends. Even a couple of my best friends had their moments. It’s great that you are sharing – you can help this new generation of girls out. I sure wish I had the knowledge I have now and that I was who I am now and could go back to high school and do a redo. I’d change a couple things for sure. Looking forward to reading more!
I can relate but sadly some us get stuck with all those feelings and can’t get past that.
Great writing by the way….
Shaunna,
I am new to your blog, but I so appreciate you being transparent and sharing something so personal. Young girls are so mean…and they still are today. I have found out with my son that young boys are equally as mean. These young bullies have no idea how their horrible words and actions affect those they are bullying for life.
Will be praying for you as you share the rest of your story.
God is using you to make a difference in so many lives. Thanks for sharing your journey. Denise Cosgrove
Thank you for your courage. Thank you for sharing your story. You write beautifully. Having been in youth ministry for a long time, let me say thank you again. I pray many people will hear your words and find healing from The Healer.
I have only recently started reading your blog. You are brave to tell your story. Whenever God can be glorified from bringing beauty from ashes… it is always a beautiful thing. I, too, was bullied in high school. I was one of a group of four. Three had been together since junior high and two didn’t like me coming in on their other friend. I was very wounded during that time and built a facade to survive. But God has given me the gift of real friends and I know the wounds I received earlier in life will come into play for me to walk along side my two daughters as they journey through theirs. And if they can be helped, comforted, or encouraged by what I went through and how God has blessed me… then it will have all been worth it.
Hugs… from blog land.
I’m proud of you for telling your story. I am fully aware how silly this sounds, but you suddenly became very real to me, and a kindred spirit.
God bless you, my dear. I went through high school and part of college always being the oddball and looked down on. I am in my 40’s now and still feel that way sometimes! Kids can be so cruel, but I thank God for allowing me to experience what I did because now I can be a blessing to my kids and others because I know what it is like. HE does bring good out of every event. Love to you in Christ, dear sister.
Although its a sad story so far, there’s something so comforting about hearing my own story coming from you. I went through a very similar situation in junior high and it was so painful. I can still hear the names they called me and the very painful taunts. Thanks for sharing your story.
I relate so much to this first chapter of your story. Thank you for sharing your heart. Your blog is lovely and your photos and projects are beautiful… Now I am beginning to see all the beauty you create around you is a natural overflow, an extension of the beauty within you. I believe that honesty and transparency are breathtaking. The beauty of imperfections. The strength born of weakness. The pain and the struggles that leave us beautifully scarred. Or as you might say… perfectly imperfect. <3 This post reminded me of a journal/scrapbook entry I wrote a while back. I thought I would share it with you…. No pressure to read it. (((hugs)))
Beautifully Scarred
A scar is proof. You have looked danger in the eye
You have suffered and survived
A badge of strength, courage, and endurance
The ordinary transforms into extraordinary
Something common is labelled uniquely yours
Past weaknesses blossom into present strength
You are stonger, tougher, fuller, and wiser
Each scar leaves you forever changed
A reminder that wounds heal. Pain is temporary
Tears dissapear. Triumphs remain
And although you will never forget the agony
It doesn’t hurt anymore
You don’t crumble under pressure
You rise to the challenge
You bleed. You heal. You thrive
You suffer and survive
So stand tall, shoulders back, head held high
And face the world with all the power
That comes from being beautifully scarred
Wow, Leanne. How absolutely powerful. Sitting with chills. And what a lovely thing to say about me…too kind, I’m afraid. But you made my year.
😀
shaunna
Sometimes suffering at a young age helps you to be stronger and wiser later on. Some people never get it, sadly. I look forward to reading the rest of your story. You are very brave to write it and share on such an intimate level. Besides that, I can see that I liked the teenaged you!
It’s so hard to be a girl! I’m just finding this for the first time, and can’t wait to read the rest. Thank you for sharing your story. And how sweet were your parents! I’m already praying about how to help my own daughter, now 8, through this difficult stage.
Anna