You know those moments that don’t really register? Those that you’re not sure are really happening. My wedding day was a day filled with those moments. Walking down the aisle, my dad giving me away, kissing my husband for the first time. Having both of my children filled up my memories with moments like that. So overwhelming that I almost stepped out of my own body.
The last few days have been like that for me. My dad’s heart attack was certainly not shocking to me; I have prayed for preparedness for a day like that for a long time now….I’m trying as much as I can (with my finite mind) to grasp that death is a part of our journey here. Was I worried and sad? Absolutely. I will say that I fully believe in the power of those prayers that you pray for “in case” situations. “In case” something ever happens to my parents…
God gave me such peace and calm during a time I knew could end the hard way. My mom is always so strong in times of crisis, and I’ve always thought I react more like her in those times, but this was a test, I guess. I felt calm, and oddly, taken care of. I know it’s highly cliche, I just knew no matter what it would all be okay. I knew I had to be strong for my mom, my dad, and my children.
Okay, here comes the honest part….It would kill me if my dad died, if my mom did, my husband, my brother, my children….any of my family. But here’s the thing: My prayer is that when push comes to shove, my world is only wrapped up in one Person I cannot be separated from. I’m not saying there wouldn’t be weeping or even tremendous grief or healing that would have to take place. And this in no way means I’m not close to my dad (or any of the others mentioned). He has shaped me in so many ways; he has inspired me to be so many things, pushed me to love and to excel, to care for others unconditionally. There is complete closeness, respect, and love there. But it is always my prayer that I will look to God and not at God in times of trial on this earth. I want to live my faith, feel the Spirit hold me and lift me up when I can’t do it myself.
I know I’m rambling….it’s just that all of this has been so surreal. It’s so odd for me to say, “Dad had a heart attack on Wednesday.” That his artery was 99% blocked and he was almost looking at open heart surgery. That his attack happened as suddenly as my grandfather’s–only my grandfather’s did not have such a lucky ending. I just feel like I’m not quite awake….that it’s all so overwhelming that I don’t know if I even remember it all.
At the end of the day, I feel that he has been incredibly blessed and my prayer is for his strength in the coming weeks and months…physically and for the witness he can be.