Every time I opened my laptop to write my first post in the last few years, I inevitably shut it, apathetic and uninterested. My world had shifted dramatically after my divorce, and for me, I had no idea how to tie it all back together again, here, in this creative space I had made my own, in which I shared the comings and goings of that life. I didn’t care about the same things, in the same way. I knew that when I began to write again, I would be sharing through an entirely different lens and while “i” was still in there, the me now would be different than the “me” then. And so I did the work of healing my heart, of taking time for me, and only me. I didn’t date. I didn’t go out and party. I didn’t join a community organization. I didn’t tell everyone outside of my closest what I was up to. I didn’t even travel the world doing interesting things. I did my work in design and business consulting, and I enjoyed it. I raised my kids and went to therapy and learned how to forgive myself and love myself…really, truly love myself. I treasured the few in my life that I trusted, and I went in. All the way inside. To become healthy. To become whole in an entirely new way. To explore this beautiful, fragile thing called life and what it all means to me, now, in this new knowing.
And I didn’t write.
I needed the time for myself. I needed to step away from sharing what I thought about everything, and what we were doing every single day on social media. I needed the quiet. And bonus: I was afraid that my new self wouldn’t really translate. I’d shifted from what I would consider more religious, to more spiritual. I meditate now, for crying out loud. I’d stopped worrying about things that I heard in so many conversations around me. What color the dishes were just didn’t matter anymore. And love…oh, my take on love, and God and energy and the universe and the road to transformation…it was entirely new. And still, I sometimes would find it insanely difficult to relate deeply to many people anymore. I knew I couldn’t share much fluff. I knew I would need to be brutally honest for writing to feel authentic for me.
So what would I share? How could I?
As the magic of creative work tends to do, sometime, about 6 months ago, the gnawing came back. The desire to do what I know is in my bones to do was steadily beating down the cobwebs in my brain and tugging at my heart to take the leap…all over again. I had been doing what so many of us are forced or choose to do. I had been in waiting.
Don’t get me wrong. The waiting was painful, but it was needed, beautiful, and purposeful. I’ve heard the waiting described as a runway. I’d been on a runway this last 3 years, letting the universe and God shape me into the new form I would take on. Becoming, little by little, until just recently, I reached the end of my runway. And that’s life. One series of runways after another, each preparing you for the invitation and opportunity that could come next. And so here I am. Not really “ready.” But going for it again, nonetheless.
Here’s the thing. I used to write because I had things to say. Now, though, I will write because I long for connection. And despite the temptation to believe I can’t relate anymore, I will tell that voice to back the hell off and try anyway. I will say a simple prayer: That these words I touch may be used, for myself or for someone else. I read The Four Agreements not too long ago, and the picture painted of how words are used for good or evil, and the power they possess resonated so deeply.
Words are magic.
So this is why I write. To connect. To do what I know inside me I was meant to do. Because I have to. Because I must. It might look different than it used to, for those of you who are still here in this space we previously shared. You’ll hear a different perspective from me than before. And yet, sometimes I would imagine it will feel like nothing shifted at all. And alllll of that..however it looks…will just be okay. If you’re out there, whoever you are, I can make you this promise. This place will be sacred for me. It will be real. It will be honest. And I can only hope, it will be a place for you to feel connection in the same way I’d love to. From one misfit to another.
This writing, this sharing, this space, it is not just for me. In fact, it isn’t about me at all. This…this is for all of us. For all of our becoming.
Beautiful words. Thanks for being real. I really appreciated what you had to say. I am glad you had time to heal and I am glad you came back! Look forward to hearing from you again!
Thank you, Elizabeth!!
Shaunna, thank you for being so honest through this blog. It has helped me understand you and what you have been through. I am looking forward to the next blog post!! ♥️
Thank you for sharing, Annie…I appreciate that very much!
S,
I am so glad to know you are doing well. I have missed your posts. You are a warrior and a blessing to this world. You shared once how important your Gma was in your life….she’s proud of you and your strength.
So happy you are back! Have wondered how you are & missed your sharing. Good on you & and may all good things come your way. You are deserving , warm & wonderful. Chin up up & you go, girl! Your friends were standing behind you & with you all this time. I am nearly 80 & live in the state of Washington.
As I’m reading this I wish there was a magic portal where you could see each and every one reading this and feel, what I imagine, is the warm encouragement coming from readers like me. Glad to see you’re back and looking forward to continuing the journey. xo
I’ve missed you!
Hi Shauna,
Good for you! I had a period of time where I just needed to take a couple of years to be alone, focus on myself, become happy on my own, become more mentally healthy and love myself, so I can relate and very much look forward to the new perspective in your blog. It is an ongoing process… this becoming.
From,
Jen (out in California)
Through my parents divorce when we were in high school I have learned this:
“Divorce neither defeats you nor defines you.”
Does it change you? Mold you? Reshape you? Cause you to see things from a different perspective? Absolutely!
And it also enables you to become….become whatever God plans for you in this stage of life.
Blessings to you as you continue to embrace the singular you. And may you reach far in this journey of life.
I am sooo happy to hear from you. You have been on my mind, and now I know why. I have no words of wisdom for you, but I do know you have a creative talent. I was in your first paint class in your gracious home. It was so fun and you taught me not to be timid with my style. I always remember you for that. Taking time “off” is something we all need and you were wise to do so. We can all learn from you. I cannot wait to see and hear about what you will do next. It sounds like you are ready! I hope you don’t mind me saying this, Shaunna, but may God bless you in your next endeavor.
Always a fan, Sandi Jacob, Gulf Breeze, FL 😘
So happy to hear from you again! I feel like an old friend has returned and I am glad that you are back. 🙂
Shaunna,
I actually think about you all the time, and have been wondering how you’ve been. Well now we know. I’m glad you took the time. The time to be still. I have nothing to offer other than to say you’ve been missed. That over these last year’s when you’ve popped into my mind I often said a prayer for you. That the name of your blog has been a motto of mine for years because of you. I was very excited to see your post pop up in my email….So yes, you’ve been missed. Looking forward to hearing and seeing more of you. XO-Meghann (here in the Bay Area, CA)
I was so happy to see you pop back up in my inbox! I’m glad you have taken the time necessary to heal and process through everything…I think we all have times that we need to “cocoon”. I am cheering you on and looking forward to reading more you!
Thank you Shauna, I am really happy to hear from you. Having been on a runway myself for quite a while, I see so much grace in what you have said. Thank you. Thank you for opening the windows to let the fresh air of grace fill this dark place I am at. Thank you for being. And thank you for writing.
Love from Australia.
I too am so glad you are back. Sometimes we just have to listen to our inner self. Healing takes time sometimes much more time than we want. However, in the end we are so much better for coming out on the other side of that darkness. May God bless you and continue to make you strong. Welcome Back!
Georgie
Indianapolis, in
Glad you’re back!
I was happy to see your email pop-up. It’s been a long time. Glad you are back to writing.
Missed you and looking forward to hearing you.
Yours was one of the first blogs I ever followed. I’ve since started by own blog and I understand some of what you’re going through. I have a child with significant health problems and every time he is hospitalized, I stop blogging because it feels so wrong and inauthentic to write about paint colors and decorating when I’m in pain. So I’ve had a lot of starts and stops with my blog. I’m so glad you are beginning to write again and I look forward to reading it in whatever form it takes.
Hang in there Shauna. Life continuously changes and sometimes we are ready for and sometimes we aren’t. I’m glad you took time to heel. It is shattering when the life you envisioned crumbles. But life goes on and we re-build.
Very much looking forward to you sharing. What you have already shared above – just wow!
Thanks.
Welcome back! So glad to hear from you again!
It was so good to see your name in my mailbox this morning. I’m glad to hear you are healing and have come out on the other side of this long journey. Welcome back Shauna!
You’ve been missed! It’s so good to hear from you again…look forward to more from you on your new runway.
Welcome back! As I tell myself it is ok to just “be”
Thank for being so honest. Hoping this will be that place of connection.
Thanks, Kim…it will be. 😉
Welcome back…anew. You have been missed.
Shaunna I’ve missed you!!! From getting to know you at your first class at your house, to your shop, book, blogs and in between I feel like an old friend has blossomed! I wish you well and know that I think of you often!
Always a fan,
Beth
Thank you for welcoming us back in. Your blog helped me through a very difficult time in my life so I have missed you. Much love from New Zealand. We are all one x
So happy to read these beautifully written words. They resonate with me so much. When I first found your blog I was on my own runway going through an unexpected divorce after 32 years of marriage and a newly empty nest.. During that time of regrouping and discovery your blog was inspiring to me. And 7 years into my journey I can honestly say I have never been happier or more fulfilled. I wish the same for you as you continue down your path!
Hello my friend!
It’s good to hear from you again! My wish for you is the peace you need and deserve! I look forward to hearing from you again soon.
Sending you Love,
Sonya
Welcome back, precious friend! I’m so proud of you!
Oh, Shaunna,
Your post today will make so many folks happy. How I’ve missed your beautiful words. Thank you for your courage. It’s contagious!
Love you friend!!! Excited to get together sometime very soon!
Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart, thoughts & journey, you are truly an inspiring blessing to each of us… so grateful for you and looking forward to all that God leads you to share with us.
Sorry to hear about your divorce, but although divorce is painful, it is also a path of growth. Better to end a bad divorce now than later. Thanks for your kind words and look forward to see where life takes you from here.
So good to hear your “voice”!
Welcome back! So good to hear from the one who gave me the reason to use “perfectly imperfect” in my own language so often and every time I do I think of YOU! You’ve been missed and I can’t wait to see what’s next, I’ve never been disappointed and I’ve always connected.
Welcome back!!! A spiritual journey is always filled with joy, peace and most importantly love of self. I am one with God!!!
Shaunna, thank you for being so real and true through this blog. It has helped me understand you and what you have been through. So glad to hear from you again! May God bless you and continue to make you strong. Welcome Back!
Wonderful to hear you again. The very best to you and yours.
So glad you are back to doing what you do so well–writing! I’ve missed your blog. It’s good to have you back :))
One can be thankful for difficult, necessary and growth-filled experiences. And the journey of life can make the distinction between religion and spirituality–both are good. No blogger can compare with the skillful writing and heart of your blog. I’m so very glad to see you back! Keep them coming when the spirit moves you!!
I too have been gone and just came back to you as well! Welcome back, my blog friend. We don’t move on … we move forward. Let’s!