It’s a little difficult for me to write this post today, but I also know there are some out there who need to read it.
I need to read it.
This blog won’t really become all about my weight loss, or about this major health movement, but it will always be centered around our everyday life, and this is certainly a huge part of my regular life right now.
I’ve thought I was overweight as long as I can remember. And let me tell you something: I had loving, encouraging, affirming parents. But our culture and this world said a bit different, and that was enough doubt for my insecure and immature brain to cling to, to believe.
me on our honeymoon in 2003, can remember being completely insecure when Matt snapped this shot of me.
I was an athlete in school, and while we’ve touched on my early high school days before, in the end, I turned out mostly liked and had boyfriends and the regular jazz of teenage girl adolescence.
Upon entering my senior year, though, I was quite consumed with how I looked and remember diligently chugging down SlimFasts every single day and skipping out on off-campus lunch with my friends.
And when teenage tragedy struck (a.k.a. having my heart shattered in a million pieces), I was consumed all the more.
Somewhere along the way, though, in my freshman year of college, I grew a little more comfortable in my own skin, but after a terrible car accident and a couple of months in a wheelchair and a year of physical therapy, I was back to my old ways, measuring my food and weighing every Wendesday.
And again, y’all we’re talking about a size 8 & a ton of muscle. Now listen, I’m not a tiny person. Never going to be and never truly wanted to be, but I couldn’t fully accept myself even though I accepted it partly. Am I making any sense? My skinniest self is still 5’8, wears a size 10 shoe, and can palm a boys’ basketball.
So while I’ve known that my whole life, and kind of loved that about myself, I still felt so ugly, so unattractive sometimes.
Fast forward a few years. I put on 32 pounds carrying Gray, and looking back, that was a pretty impressive feat. My body could have easily gifted fifty pounds to me, but it didn’t. I remember feeling absolutely beautiful after Grayson was born…I know, it was that post-baby hazy coma. That, and I lost 25 pounds in the hospital. Anyway, I really felt quite good about myself until Grayson turned one year, and I’d even put about 10 pounds back on.
All of a sudden, I was miserable, frustrated, couldn’t button my pants, and worse, just felt sad about shopping or looking in the mirror. I was going to make a change.
I found myself a great trainer and put myself on the nutrition plan. I was focused, and didn’t miss a workout or take the first bite of a cookie or sugar for three months. In three months, I was down 2 sizes, 25 pounds, and down to 18% body fat.
And that was amazing. So liberating and freeing and I felt incredible.
For about 3 weeks.
post baby #1, after losing it all, and walking across the stage for becoming a Director in SLAH (direct sales)
And then I traveled and missed one workout. And real life resumed and I ate one or two cookies. All the while still continuing to exercise and stay healthy…but I fretted about how much was ever enough. I remember walking across that stage in the pic above, feeling insecure and a little worried about how tight my pants were. Really?!
Have mercy.
Within a few months, though, I was pregnant again and of course, the stretch marks and pounds came back with a vengeance this time. They reared their ugly heads quicker and easier, and by the time I had her, I’d gained about 38 pounds (BUT, I’d put about 10 pounds back on throughout the year before pregnancy bringing my total to 48).
And I went back to working out when Ava was 7 weeks old and my chest was ridiculously heavy from nursing–it was miserable. But I thought I needed to. I thought I had to, to lose the weight.
But this time, it just didn’t budge. My body fat moved, but the weight? It just stuck around. Even after Ava turned one year old, I was still clinging to the pounds. So I started a challenge at the gym (Trinity Fitness here in Troy, Alabama), the same gym I’d partnered with to tackle the weight after having Grayson. I lost 11 pounds in that month, and I was pumped.
But then I started having these major back pains. And it turned out I was pretty sick. So I gained that weight back, and I was frustrated. Very, very frustrated.
Because it wouldn’t shed, because I ate healthier than most of my thinner friends, because I felt like I just couldn’t pull it off. I felt a little resigned.
I worked out more than anyone I knew, but I couldn’t lose weight. When I did lose weight, it felt like I didn’t really become content, and I still didn’t truly believe I was beautiful or pretty or fill in the blank. It seemed to me that the only way I could truly lose weight was to almost starve on the challenges, and I just absolutely felt like I could not give that much time and focus to just eating perfectly every 3 hours.
My career was growing and challenging me, I was homeschooling…there were more than enough reasons to put it all off.
And that cycle continued for the next 2 years, which brings us to today. This is me about 2 and 1/2 months ago, taking the photos for my book headshot. There I was, just accomplishing a huge dream, and I was worried about how my pants fit.
The point is this: I had/have body issues. There’s no way around it. I wasn’t totally happy with myself unless I was killing it at the gym. Which is fine and perfectly healthy, but I truly couldn’t keep pleasing that side of myself.
After it nearly killed me to take a photo of myself without the kids in it, I decided something had to change. Drastically. And it wasn’t going to begin with my body.
P.S. This story has a happy ending/beginning. Want to hear the rest?
Come back tomorrow and we’ll finish our chat…
I looked at all the pics and thought you looked amazing……..and I appreciate your sharing the struggle here
I think we all struggle with something
I find woman are very tough critics of themselves but very supportive of men,children friends family
Maybe save alittle awe for ourselves !
Thanks for sharing! It is awesome to know you are not alone. I struggled with what I looked like all through my teens. It was not until just the past couple years I started to realize I was fine. That I look fine. I still see a size 2 model and think but would’nt I look better if…
Oy. Glad there is a happy ending 🙂 As a photographer it makes me sad when mom’s don’t like pictures taken.
Thank you. You’ve given me hope. I’ve always been the chubby one, but one day I made the decision to start power walking, change my diet and lose weight. I lost 32 pounds in my late 20’s. I looked fabulous, turned heads, etc. and kept it off for over 20 years, then suddenly gained over 50+ pounds in less than 6 months at age 52. EVERY little tiny thing I eat makes me gain. I power walk and walk all day at work. I never sit down for over 10 hours a day, but it doesn’t help. I’ve NEVER been this big and it’s bothering me.
My point to all of this is I’m going to read your blog every day for inspiration and hope.
Again, thank you!
Oh, my friend. Yes. I am with you. I have body issues too. I felt like I was reading my own body issues story right along with what you wrote. Thank you. XOXOXO
I. Love. You.
Just that.
Awh..I can say I shared in this kind of insecurity and I can feel it creeping back on me know that my age is upon me. In my 20’s I had my first child, a “big girl” and I went from being a little girl myself to being quite larger. I got a grasp on the situation then by becoming fanatical…doing a ridiculous amount of working out and like 2000 crunches a day kind-a-crazy. With a few years, I was convicted of my vanity and I tried to just focus on being healthy and not regretting and overcompensating. I’ll be interested to read how you tackle your demon. I’m trying to figure how I’m going to tackle mine; it seems he’s raring his ugly head again.
I must say I’ve only viewed you as a beautiful person.
You are beautiful!! It’s crazy how we all have these crazy ideas of how our body should look. Just this morning I’m teaching a group exercise class, 5 months pregnant, and thinking my butt is too big to be standing up here in these pants and everyone looking at me. It’s hard to even give yourself a pass while pregnant! I should be focusing on how proud I am of what my body can do, not how it looks!
I’ve had the same problem all of my life. I was spending what little free time I had every day at the gym and it just wasn’t working. At the end of last April, with the help of a coach, I began my journey to a healthier “me”. The most important thing that I’ve learned is that I was beautiful no matter what my size but that I’m happier with myself now that I’ve made the decision to change the way that I see things as well as how I act. My very best to you on your decision. I know that you’ll ROCK IT!
This is such a huge topic for ALL females, I think. No matter your size really. I’m 5’3 and weight 120 lbs. My friends call me skinny. They say I don’t need to worry about what I eat. But they don’t see what’s under the clothes. The skin that looks like cottage cheese. The jiggly thighs. The belly bulge that causes me to not wear any top that doesn’t fluff out in the middle. Healthy does NOT mean thin. Healthy does NOT mean you weigh x pounds. Healthy is truly how your body is INSIDE. But in our culture it’s the outside that counts and that’s frustrating. Really frustrating.
Looking forward to the rest of your story!
You are beautiful.
Thank you for sharing.
I struggle with a lot of the same issues. It is terrible how hard we are on our selves.
Looking forward to hearing the rest of your story.
I just have to say that whenever I see you in a picture, I always think how attractive you are. I would have never known you had/have body image issues. You’re beautiful!
Thank you for sharing. Society certainly has a way of taking a perfectly happy and content person and making them feel no so happy. You are beautiful with a beautiful heart.
You are beautiful! There are so many of us who thought we were fat — then. Golly, I’d give anything for then. But I am learning to be happy with me. I still watch what I eat, exercise, and I feel great. I don’t feel deprived. No, I am not a size 8, or even a 10 but who cares. My honey sure doesn’t — he thinks I’m beautiful. I make a point of dressing nicely and putting on makeup. That alone does a wonder for the self esteem. I am looking forward to the rest of the story.
If you could see yourself as your readers see you, then you would see all the beauty–inside and out!
Shaunna,
I have been a rail my entire life, and for so much of that time I wished that I could look like you, a beautiful woman with curves! We always seem to want what we don’t have. And then I got sick, cancer sick, and my life changed, and my attitude changed, and I was so thankful and joyful every.single.day just to be alive and have the time that I did, to be with my loved ones and to be me! I admire all women now, big, little, short or tall because they each have their own beauty, their own special qualities, but I no longer wish I was like them because I’m happy to be me, and it has set me free.
I look forward to reading the rest of your story!
Join the “trim healthy mamas” for a healthy weight/energy/health, and enjoy eating good food life style!! You look great by the way, but I know it’s also about us focusing on important things in our life, but we do need to target areas that keep coming in to frustrate us.
Thank you!!! I can definitely relate and it’s good to know not to be alone in this. But can I just say there’s not yet been a single picture I’ve seen of you in which you don’t look gorgeous. It’s your smile, you just always look happy 😉 Can’t wait to hear the end of the story!
I realized, only a few weeks ago, that I am the woman I always wanted to be. I am a loving mother, a loving wife, a business owner, a daughter, a sister, and a lover of God and Jesus, and FINALLY, a great admirer of me. :0) It has been a long road to get here… {I think this new attitude is a perk of menopause, lol.}
Well, this new attitude all came about because I had a wonderful opportunity to join a bunch of fellow business women, who do what I do for a living. They were {many of them} mothers, wives, Christians, and business owners. I admired how hard they all work, and I admired their strength to keep goin’ and tackle whatever needed to be done. I love strong people, and admire them, greatly.
So as I looked around the room, at all these very successful people, I realized that I was among them. This did not happen by accident. This happened because of hard work and determination. It happened because I don’t know any other way than to overcame obstacles thrown before me. In that moment, I saw myself through the eyes of a stranger, and I realized, “I am the woman I always wanted to be.” This is one of the best moments of my life!
As women we tend to live the early part of lives for others, and sometimes we lose ourselves in the daily bustle and hustle.My guess is that when you’re older, you won’t care if your jeans were too tight. But you’ll remember how much you’ve achieved.This has been my own experience, anyway. Life is about achievements, the hearts you touch, and the lives you change, along the way… And from what I can tell, you’ve touched many.
May God bless and hug you, and may you soon realize your own strength, and beauty…because everyone else already sees it.
Thank you for sharing! I’m 5’10” and 165 lbs on a good day. I’ve had a love/hate relationship with my height and weight for as long as I can remember. Especially when so many girls around you barely top 115. I’ve been on a weight loss journey for about 12 years now and it started when I reached my top weight of 250 lbs. It’s still a daily argument with myself, whether or not to have a ‘good’ day or a ‘bad’ day. Sometimes I lose…other times not. It’s nice to see that none of us are alone in this struggle.
I’m glad that your story has a happy ending, and I can’t wait to hear it! -Lisa
You are so beautiful. That’s all…you are just beautiful.
So proud of you, so right there with you…cant wait to turn the page! See you tomorrow.
so glad to be reading this part of your story.
thank you for being vulnerable….
I have to say (and I’m being honest) I have a terrible memory! I can never remember the name of anything. That being said….I can never remember the name of peoples we sites blogs etc. When it came to fining yours I always thought to myself “what is the name of that pretty blonde girls site!” You really are beautiful. And tho i don’t know you personally I have a feeling you re beautiful on the inside too, and that’s what really matters!
Wow…excuse all my typos! LOL!
I like yoou yu have always been tall, but muscular with big hands and feet. I am now 60 and weigh 50 lbs more than I did when I was 25. As I look back, I see that I was a beautiful, strong woman. I wish that I had understood that back then. Now when i look into the mirror I see a strong woman that is still looking good for her age and better than most. Don’t be like me and waste those years feeling bad about yourself. Life is good when you stop feeling like you don’t measure up. Hold up your head and be proud of your life, your body, your family and all your accomplishments.
I could cry just reading this. I feel like I am reading my own story word for word. I think there is a lot we need to change in our minds too. Even when I was 5’9 and 149 I thought I was heavy. Now that I am 183 after having one baby, I feel even more down about it all. Thank you for writing this. It’s so nice to not feel alone! I hope you can conquer your insecurity because you are truly beautiful!
Your beautiful inside and out.