To say that I was overwhelmed by the response you guys left after I wrote Becoming’s Chapter One last week is an understatement. I tried to sit down that day and reply to each of your 150+ comments, and I just honestly couldn’t. I felt so raw, so exposed. Wonderful. I teared up on and off all day…and while I have worries about writing some of this, I do feel that it is right. Your comments told me that. So, keep em’ coming. It’s the only way I’ll get through this process.
I also can’t go forward without saying this: I have no ill feelings toward anyone in this story. No one in my story…the ones who have been mentioned or the ones to come. I played a huge role in the things that happened to me, made just as many mistakes as they did. I actually smile when I see them, or think of them. And I hope they can do the same for me…I’m sure I let them down in more ways than one. It was hurtful then, but now, it simply is part of me…and it’s just fine. Writing this story or this book was never about putting them down…but building you up.
If you missed Chapter One, go check it out first.
Can’t wait to hear what you think about our next chapter…
CHAPTER TWO: Before the Fall
It could have been worse. Laughter came and went my sophomore year of high school, and for the most part, it was a relatively happy time in my life. M injured his spinal cord in a football accident that year, and rocked my newfound strength to the core. Several weeks were filled with slow-rolling tears and huddles of whispered prayers. After months of therapy and healing, M was able to walk again, and eventually, his recovery was not enough to hold us together any longer.
Now that I look back, we were silently slipping apart long before the palpable tearing that would take place at the end of my junior year. During that year, though, other things happened. A new coach moved into town. His name was Coach Ryan. He pushed me beyond my limits on the basketball court, gave me something to put all my energy and focus into. And he was my friend…he and my dad (who was my coach all years before) were big buddies. He became that teacher to really see me, to encourage me to rise above my struggles. I still send him a Christmas card every year.
I met the kind of friends we all long for. The kind you can hurt, disappoint. The kind that will love you anyway. And because they were those kinds of friends, I can say their names.
Jenny. Jenny would become this vibrant force in my life then, just as she is now. She reached out with her brilliant smile, silly ideas, and her contagious cheerfulness. She was a hot mess. Before I knew it, we were fast friends.
Holli. You want the definition of a good, ole’ country girl? Well, you’ll need to meet Holli. Unpretentious, friendly, and unmistakably matter-of-fact…her genuineness and infectious laughter won me over completely. Real people are kind of my favorites.
Sabrina. She moved to our small school from Georgia. She had this gorgeous blonde hair and a killer jump shot. When the class went on trip to Disney World, she and I stayed behind to play in a region basketball game…yeah, we were that dedicated. But we were…and we were a “we.” I loved having a new friendship, and someone who challenged me on the court.
Reid, Curt, and Joshua were the kind of guys that weren’t necessarily babe magnets. Not because of anything they weren’t, but because of what they were. They were kind, quietly strong, Junior class gentlemen. They had faith and weren’t afraid to gently say it. And now, in the knowing, I love them even more for who they were.
This unlikely group became my family…we sat together at break, ate our lunches in a tight huddle, passed notes and exchanged smiles in class, and through each other’s company, came to terms with being different. Tuesday evenings were spent at each other’s houses. We laughed through the summer and straight into our Junior year. Before I knew it, I was elected Class President, which turned out to be a blessing and a curse. The Junior class planned the prom, you know.
And I was in charge of the Junior class.
Our fall days were filled with seriously-heated debates over prom theme. It was to be “Party Like It’s 1999” (because it was) or “What Dreams May Come” (because it had to get better). One meeting I remember in particular. There was literal shouting, and much of the drama lied in the fact that the ridiculously popular crowd was not led by one of their own. And who knew where I stood? Certainly not me, only now healing from the still-fresh wounds my freshman year held for my heart.
Here’s the thing. I didn’t care about the prom. I was in a failing relationship, if you can even call it that, and it was becoming clear to me that things like prom weren’t created for the meaning of happiness. Certainly not prom theme battles. There was a pro-1999 and a pro-dreams group. The class was literally split down the middle.
And there I was. I remember it felt so fitting. I couldn’t vote because I was class president, and chose not to voice my opinion. I remember feeling so appropriately there in the middle of everyone’s clashing ideas. As I was always.
Only something funny happened. While this guy we’ll call Harry basically threw a fit for 1999 by standing on his desk, and pro-dreams complained about the unfairness of it all, I had the aha moment. I stopped feeling unsure or unsettled by the likes of stands-on-his-desk guy. By my used-to-be life. I remember feeling confident, assured, and quietly telling myself we would figure it out…I would figure it out.
It struck me then: this had been a choice. It was simply a choice to live, to fight back pain. To choose life, however painful. To step, one foot in front of the other, right onto the coals and put on my game face. The pain was there, but I knew it was subsiding. The subsiding gave me hope.
There was, of course, a good bit of high school musical drama over the next few days, except there was no Zack Efron dancing to a peppy show tune. Yelling, vicious gossip, name calling. Yet, I felt nothing but peace. When one of the pro-dreams threw a textbook at my old number 1, things got a little dicey and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me a little happy (which I now know meant my heart was not in the best place).
Since I was sort of in charge of dealing with this absurd comedy, 1 came to me with shaking hands and humble words. “I know things that happened a while back weren’t all your fault, and I know it wasn’t right. I just don’t want that to be why we can’t fix this prom thing.”
Even in my baffled state I was able to say, “You know, it wasn’t okay. None of it. But I’ve forgiven you. And I don’t worry about you or any of that any more. It sure has nothing to do with the prom.” There. I said it. And I felt free.
That’s about the time things began to change. I became sort of popular again. Not like before…I just didn’t have any problems with anyone. I wasn’t seeking popularity or approval, but quiet. Happiness. I was able to go to basketball practice (which I loved and was quite good at) without the fear someone would throw a ball in my face or laugh my 5’8 forward speed out of the gym. I was able to laugh with some of those guys who had once called me names. And I was able to move past the hurt 1 and 2 had dumped in my lap like an undeserved bucket of coal on a Christmas morning. I was able to learn to like them again. To realize my part in the mess of ninth grade. And to move on.
One afternoon I was riding in the car with 2. We were headed to Sonic for mozzarella sticks and marinara in between school and basketball practice. In between one of her car phone calls, we somehow began talking about me and my views on drinking and the new friends I had. I just kind of sighed, my head leaning back against the headrest, wishing I was anywhere else in the world. No way did I want to have this kind of conversation with someone who had stripped me of all confidence and joy…someone I couldn’t bear to be hurt by again. As I was hosting my self-pity party, she just turned to me and matter-of-factly said, “You know, I wish I was like that. Like I could make a decision only for myself and didn’t care what other people thought.”
I was utterly blown away, not knowing how to respond or what to think. She actually respected me?? Wished she could be like me??
Throughout fall semester, I had a few more encounters like that one. I was making great grades, feeling good about my body/hair/every other superficial thing, rocking it out on the basketball court. The teachers loved me, parents thought I was impressive. And somewhere along the way, my strength was exchanged for pride.
And you know what they say about pride.
It has something to do with falling.
To be continued…
I am so glad this was on this morning…looking forward to the rest…You have given me the courage to go back and look at my journals from my high school days and face how I felt then and how I feel now.Keep up the good work!Looking forward to the next part.I know it must be difficult to expose your -self this way….
LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!
I’m on the edge of my seat. And wrapping you with loads of love and support. xo
I think most of us can relate on many levels with this story! It has given me chills….more than once…
I look forward to part III
Lou Cinda
And thank you for sharing it….
Thanks you so much, I have printed both of these chapters so far for my daughters to read. Looking forward to the rest…
I can see this becoming a book and a movie! This story could be any young girl–I have a soon to be 14 year old who will start 9th grade in the fall and wow does this hit home!! I am so grateful to you for sharing your story!
Love you bunches! I wish I could have been that way too….make a decision and not worry about what others thought. Sometimes I still feel that way.
Can’t wait to read more…..
Thank you for being open about your teen year struggles. I have a 12 year old daughter and am very concerned about many of the things you have already mentioned. I look forward to reading your story. May God bless you as you encourage others.
I kept a diary in high school, from 1982 to 1986 and when I read it now, at 42,I am soooo glad those years of teenage angst are over! It can be such a rough and confusing time.
Looking forward to part 3:)
I just read Chapter 1 and chapter 2. I’ve always said you should be an author!! You really are so good at putting it down in words. You know, you and I have talked about most of this before and yet here I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the next installment. I love you Shaunna..I’m thankful for you and your friendship and I love hearing the journey that made you who you are today. I dealt with so many of the same petty, mean girl stuff in highschool..(and even college, we saw it there in different ways), but you are one of those friends that I look back on and think of how I changed in a good way because of who you are and the kindness you showed and taught me. Anyway, I miss you like stinkin’ crazy and need some Shaunna time!!
I think you’re fabulous.
I am very new to this entire blogging world, but have always been very impressed by yours. When you first had your “part one” I didn’t have the time to read it. Today, I took the time and thank you. Thank you for sharing and letting us into that part of your world. I can so relate to most of what you have said and it brings tears to my eyes. I can’t wait to read more!
Shauna this is hitting home with me. My daughter who just turned 15 is going through the gossip, the name calling, you name it. She has always been a chunky girl. She tries so hard to be liked by everyone. I keep telling her it will get better, that one day those boys will look at you differently, that all those mean girls will be different. Once out of junior high and high everything changes, mostly for the better.
Some days I want to cry for all the pain she is experiencing.
Shaunna, Chapter 2 is great!! I can sense how you must of felt. I too was a girl who had her mind made up about a couple things and didn’t waiver. One being, having sex. I used to tell guys right up front that would NOT be happening. And you know what? They were OK with that and never pressured me. It’s great to be 33 and say that I’ve only slept with 2 guys in my life – both of which were and are my husband. Anyway, I’m rambling now, but I just wanted to pass along some more encouragement. Keep the story coming!!! ~Catie
Thank you for sharing! I look forward to reading more.
I can’t wait for the next chapter! Please be strong and keep writing!
so well written … looking forward to the next chapter!
What a writer you are! Love it, love it!! I’m sure there are more twist and turns to come but I felt the pride you must have felt when you were in that moment, of just being ok with yourself..I love that feeling, being happy with yourself, at peace, that’s what you said. The only difference was it has taken me 38 years to get there!! Your story reminds me that even though there are many ups and downs, we all get through it just fine. It’s the road the Lord has mapped out for all of us. It makes us who we are today, the good the bad and the ugly! I just pray for the day that my preteen can feel that same sort of “peace”. Thanks again for sharing..Mary
Beautiful writing, Shaunna. Somehow I think many of your readers (us) can relate to this and thus it has me wanting to read more. There is a thin line between confidence and pride. Can’t wait for #3, friend.
xoxo,
Jami
I wish you lived right next door to me so that we could just hang out… Keep writing 🙂
My daughter needs to read this. Recently broke up with a loser boyfriend. And her best girlfriend. After having lived through the same junk from your 9th grade…except for 2+ years. She’ll start her senior year much like her freshman year, except with more maturity.
I’m glad you’re doing this. And I’m glad that you’re sharing it. Other posters are correct: you’re a very good writer. Keep the faith!
Please, please make this into a tangible book! I know the Lord has His version of comedic relief and that is why He will give me a baby GIRL one day. Something I feel is the most difficult thing to raise.Just so He can have a good laugh. I want…I NEED to have this book on hand when she is a teenager. I wish I had this book when I was going through high school! I’m not sure I have encountered a girl who loved high school and this book would help any teenage girl put things into perspective. Please.I beg of you. Make a book or I will ask your permission to print your words on regular white printer paper and save it for 25 years and force my child to read it. That could be an option.
I am on the edge of my seat!
Very good! Ready for chapter 3!
Susan
Spectacular! I feel like I have a front row seat! Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your heart!
Your story is still touching my heart. Thank you Shaunna. Take care, VBg
Shaunna, You were overwhelmed with the responses, but I have been overwhelmed with your story-to the point I have been unable to respond until now!! First of all I am giving a virtual standing ovation for your courage to tell your story. Your courage and honesty have touched my heart. Your ability to forgive and admit your fault in the situation astounds me. That takes soooo much heart and I know God has given you the strength to be the beautiful person-inside and out-that you are today.
Secondly, if in telling your story you give just one young lady who is going through this same struggle the ability to see beyond the present-to see that there is life beyond this moment and that that life is full and worth striving for- it will be worth it. My prayer, though, is that someone out there who has the potential to be a 1 or 2 would maybe recognize the damage they could cause and choose to not inflict such pain on another person. What a wonderful thing that would be!!!
You are awesome, girl!!! Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing! I can hardly wait to read the next chapter.
Your writing is very good, I just want to keep on reading! Thank you for sharing with us even though it can be hard to talk about. I, of course, had hard times in high school as well, and it’s nice to see someone else’s struggles and get perspective and hopefully learn how to help our daughters one day.
Great it brings back my high school drama and ghost!!!! Keep up the good work.
Shauna West, I love you 🙂
You truly inspire me. I love having you in my life.
Can’t wait to read more! You are fantastic, thank you so much for sharing your story!
You are a terrific writer… thank you for sharing your story with all of us. I’m brand spankin’ new to your blog (a friend shared it with me today) and I can already tell from the type of person you are I’m going to like it here. Hugs.
I’m on th edge of my seat. Your writing is great.
Your words can take me back. Have courage!
Shaunna.
There are parts of a day that are uplifting.
There are parts of a day that are stimulating.
There are parts of a day that are both touching and sad.
There are parts of a day that are down right funny and magical.
You were able to be all those parts for me today.
I was blog surfing and by a stroke of luck landed on yours and read both chapters. Your words made the page come to life!
Thank you. geri.
Thank you! And it’s been a long time since I was in junior high(that’s how long). I have 3 girls and wonder what their have been thru that I’m not aware of.
Smart Girl!
Oh, well, you’re welcome, KarenSue…you being the kind of mom that would wonder means you’ll be the kind of mom they need. Blessings to you!
🙂
shaunna
You’ve taken me back to my little high school…and all the memories and mistakes I’ve made (and try to pretend don’t exist). They’re washing over me as I sit here. And while it’s painful and certainly not fun…I thank you. You’re giving me the courage to remember my story. I look forward to reading more of yours.
Hugs,
Marie
You are such a strong person for all of this. I have learned that each of us puts on a face that we need to protect ourselves. We only allow certain people in our lives to know the true person we are, the people who make us feel comfortable. I really understand that the true friends are the ones that you care for and they care for you just the way you are.
Thank you, Alaina. It’s definitely hard to be this real and, well, ugly, but it’s a part of the whole story…and the whole is beautiful. Thanks for reading along!
🙂
shaunna
My sister called me and told me about your blog after a very hard day for my 11 year old at school. I was so beside myself. She is only in 5th grade? Your blog has helped me remember those hard times with “friends”… I really need this to help me keep perspective because I am getting so angry! The momma bear in me is going to come out, I appreciate your wisdom and writing. I am sitting on the edge of my seat for the next chapter! Thank you!!!
still waiting on the conclusion….patiently 🙂
Another wonderfully real chapter. I’m left wishing (in a non scary non stalker kind of way 😉 ) That I could know you and be on your list of true friends. The way you write the things you write makes me know you are someone I would love to be friends with. 🙂 This book is and will be a blessing to everyone who reads it. I love how honest it feels. Genuine is best. 🙂